A new study on an ancient fossil is providing insights into the evolution of turtles. Specifically, how and when their shell formed.

Whoever said tortoises were hard to keep may need to reconsider that opinion. Of course, the fact that the thing was left alone for thirty years may have helped its survival, since it was allowed to more or less mind its own business and take care of itself. Still, I don't think we'll be putting Om in a box for thirty years. On the other hand, that would at least stop her pitching herself down the stairs every few months.

For the person in your life with everything, we have a 7 foot long "gummy python". Since this one doesn't breathe or have a pulse, technically Ellen actually can have it. Of course, since it doesn't breathe or have a pulse, Ellen probably won't want it. I've never been particularly fond of that style of candy, so whatevah...

It's nice to know it doesn't just happen to me: after visiting a national park, a South African couple discovered an unexpected guest tried to hitch a ride home with them. Fortunately all involved walked away fine. I guess the only real difference would be Ellen trying to talk everyone into letting her take it home.

Get out your record books: the largest python ever harvested from the Florida Everglades is 17 foot, 7 inches long and 165 pounds. After tagging it and tracking it to its breeding grounds, scientists killed the monster and froze it for study, finding a whopping 87 eggs in the beast.

The problem is not that there are no natural predators of the beast in the Everglades. I'm just about dead certain the problem is its actual natural predator is legally prevented from organizing and profiting from hunting it. Put a bounty up for each snake caught, and defray the cost with a permit system and taxing the product. We once nearly emptied the Everglades of alligators, ferchrissake. The snakes wouldn't have a chance.

No...this will not hatch a shoe with wheels.

Scientists have announced the discovery of an extinct turtle that was really big and really really round. Like, "round as a tire" round. The creature lived just after the KT event, so the thinking is perhaps its unusual shape was some sort of adaptation to the unusual environment around that time.

It's official: a crocodile captured in the Philippines is the world's largest. We saw a NatGeo documentary on how they trapped and transported the beastie from its remote swamp lair to a city zoo. "Monster" is a term that just doesn't do this thing justice.

It's all fun and games on your 125 mph super bike ride until a snake crawls into your lap. Now that's some cool-headed bike handling right there, I'll say.

As of Thursday afternoon, the 44-year-old tortoise was still missing. Lechner said he’s wandered out of the couple’s yard in the past – to check out the interesting smells at a nearby trash bin or graze in the lawn of an adjacent apartment complex, but he always returns. This time, Andy Lechner said he believes the tortoise wandered out of the yard and either got lost, was picked up by a well-meaning neighbor hoping to help the animal or was snatched by someone hoping to sell him.

Read the rest of the here.

After an incredible 115 years together two giant turtles at an Austrian zoo have gone their separate ways – refusing to share a cage any longer.

The falling out, which has baffled the zoo officials, marks the end of the world’s oldest animal 'marriage'.

According to the paper, staff at the zoo realised all was not well when Bibi attacked Poldi – biting off a chunk of his shell.

Read the rest of the article here.

Nothing says "coastal shopping center" more than a snapping turtle who feels like taking a break in the parking lot. We've never been able to really figure out what makes our tortoise stop or start, so this seems completely in character. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Yeah, that would make me want to turn around, too: a pilot declared an emergency when a snake appeared from behind the instrument panel of his plane. If Ellen were the pilot, the biggest problem would be air traffic controllers going deaf from all the "SQUEE!!!!" coming through the radio. Me? I'd be fine right up until it started crawling around on me. That would make the pucker factor go to at least 11.

This newly discovered species, known as titanoboa (yes, the words "titan" and "boa" are in there), which lived 65 million years ago, is about to have its close-up. The New York City appearance is promoting an exhibit at the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History in D.C. opening on March 30, which ties in to a TV special on the Smithsonian Channel called, what else, "Titanoboa: Monster Snake." The two-hour program airs April 1.

But wait there's more!

New York commuters arriving at Grand Central Station were greeted by a monstrous sight: a 48-foot-long, 2,500-pound titanoboa snake.

Yes there is a display of this gargantuan snake! I have a feeling my mother will be closing her eyes when she has to walk past that one.

Check out the rest of the article on the snake here.

This infomercial was too funny not to share.

"Hawk-eyed" scientists have discovered the world's smallest chameleon. The adult males of the Madagascar Brookesia micra are barely half an inch long when fully-grown, and when it comes right down to it are insanely cute. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

I say "huge snakes are eating annoying animals at a respectable clip in a miserably nasty swamp" and wonder what the problem is. Others, they have different ideas about what's going on. I say simplify the hunting permits and provide a 3% tax deduction on the sale of python skin and python skin products. The problem will solve itself shortly after. It won't happen though, since that doesn't let bureaucrats push people around.

A species of tortoise thought to be extinct for nearly 150 years probably isn't. Another weird fact: nowadays the main threat to the Galapagos tortoise isn't man, it's volcanoes. Any one of the islands could suffer a severe eruption which would perhaps drive a third of the species into extinction. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

When a fifteen foot crocodile wants something, it usually gets it. That's a lot of boots, bags, and belts right there, for sure. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Not such a welcome ornament in that house.

Every tortoise should enjoy a pumpkin.

Mr Nyaumbe bit the snake on the tip of the tail during the exhausting battle in the village of Sabaki.

Mr Nyaumbe used his shirt to smother the snake's head and prevent it from swallowing him.

Don't worry Mom, Ori ca't drag you up a tree yet.

Sometimes there's no improving the Fark headline: Sorry. Cannot complete transaction. Current balance on your account is SNAKE. A really small, presumably harmless, and very angry snake, to be exact. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Mayor Edwin Cox Elorde said dozens of villagers and experts ensnared the 21-foot (6.4-meter) male crocodile along a creek in Bunawan township in Agusan del Sur province after a three-week hunt. It could be one of the largest crocodiles to be captured alive in recent years, he said, quoting local crocodile experts.

Read the article and see the picture!

We now have a mission for Om! She will be put to work. Carrying a barrel of ale of course.

Poor squeaky ball!

Hang on. I have to go get a tissue for Ellen...

Customers pay $150-300 for the two-and-a-half hours of nail art, which requires her to cut pieces of snakeskin to perfectly fit each nail.

How much? Not me! I have a boa that will gladly donate her sheds for nail art for me!

With pix!

Where else but the Sunshine State would we find a 6-foot alligator taking up residence in a lady's bathroom. Kittehs came out fine, presumably Mr. Alligator will be decorating a set of shoes or a pocketbook near you. What? Sorry, world's not running out of them anymore, ya know?

I'm sure it's a reference to some obscure Unix widget. I don't care. I own a damned turtle, 'bout the size of a big orange nowadays, soon to be about the size of a hubcap. That really is what they're like.

Let's recap the stupidity!

"To rid the subway car of any traces of germs such as salmonella, which may have been left by your snake, MBTA maintenance crews had to scrub and disinfect the Red Line car in which your snake was found."

I'm sorry? We are worried about a snake contaminating a SUBWAY CAR!??? Did I mention it was a SUBWAY CAR? One of the filthiest modes of transportation, and they are worried about a snake?

Moorhouse said she usually totes Penelope in a plush pouch -- "almost like a pillowcase that is tight on top" -- but instead hugged the snake close to her skin that day to keep her warm in frigid weather. She did not immediately notice when Penelope slithered away.

Let's end this stupid person's problem. It's called a lock top bucket with holes drilled in with a warmed sock of dry rice. See? Problem fixed! My boa travels this way all the time and she is 25 pounds of love!

Both snakes are thriving, she said, and the three-year-old Penelope seems more playful and more adventurous now than before she went missing.

It's called FREEDOM! She had a taste for it, OR it's hungry.

Read the entire asinine article here.

Rest easy, folks, the missing snake has been found, safe and sound. No, Ellen, you can't have it. You either, Amber.

JAKARTA, Indonesia - Two Komodo dragons mauled a fruit-picker to death in eastern Indonesia, police and witnesses said Tuesday, the latest in a string of attacks on humans by the world's largest lizard species.

And this is why I don't pick fruit for a living.

The turtle was rescued in 2009 after marine biologists in Melbourne Beach, Fla., noticed that it seemed to be having problems digesting food. After dislodging a large piece of plastic from the animal's gastrointestinal tract, the turtle proceeded to defecate 74 foreign objects over the next month. Some of those objects included four types of latex balloons, five different types of string, nine different types of soft plastic, four different types of hard plastic, a piece of carpet-like material, and two large tar balls.

My tortoise has had multiple items taken from her while she was trying to eat that was not tortoise diet.

Scientists have published a new study on a recently discovered snake fossil which sheds light on just when, and how, they lost their legs. The tricky part was ensuring the exposed leg wasn't shaped by the fossilization process. A really powerful x-ray technology solved that little problem.

RIVERSIDE, Calif. – Animal services officers often get calls reporting "huge," monstrous reptiles, only to arrive and find an itty-bitty garden snake.

The 5-foot Monitor lizard wandering around a condo complex in the city of Riverside was way bigger than animal control officer Jenny Selter could have imagined.

That sounds like a fun neighborhood!

The residents are believed to be common garter snakes, a type found throughout the United States. They are not poisonous and are harmless to humans. A pest inspector has estimated they are living in the house in their thousands. 'It's not a problem, it's an infestation,' Mr Davis bravely continues. 'It's been a horrible experience.'

Even more horrible for those living there. Previous owners describe the terror of trying to sleep at night, never knowing when your bed could be invaded, in a YouTube video from as far back as 2006.

With a video!

Scientists have documented a startling case of a boa constrictor with not one but two successful virgin births. Even though the snake lived with males, the offspring are not genetically related to them, and in fact are a genetic variant so bizarre it's only ever previously been created in a lab via very intricate techniques.

So, great. Now I have to worry about having more snakes without Ellen actually going out and buying them. Thanks, God. Way to help a brother out.

Dr.Bronner's soap bath!

Jay gets a no-prize Ellen can't have for bringing us the story of a man and his pet crocodile. His seventeen foot long pet crocodile. Yeah I know, pay your taxes stay out of trouble, keep off my lawn. In this case, keep WAY off my lawn.

The San Diego Zoo has announced the opening of a new enclosure for their tortoises. Ellen's vowed to both own a giant tortoise of some sort and name it 86 in honor of the one she fell in love with when we last visited the SD zoo.

OK, I like the exotic pets, but this goes a bit far. Especially sleeping with them and having a cat around too.

Ellen promises Oriana will only get about a third this big. Which is a relief, until you do the math on one third of 23 feet.

Jeff gets a sad but necessary no-prize for bringing us the latest idea in controlling an invasive snake species on an isolated tropical island. Let me tell you, folks, Tylenol is just about as deadly to people, were it not for our more sophisticated livers. Remember that when you forget when your last dose was next time you have the flu.

Ok, since it doesn't poop, pee, or puke, I guess Ellen can have this one. The advances in robotics are coming fast and furious nowadays. Can C-3P0 be that far behind?

Fark's headline was, When asked by reporters whether she was scared when a snake started coming out of her car's air conditioning vent a texas [sic] woman said ________? Frequent readers of this site will know the answer, were it posed to Ellen. That being, "Scott says I can't keep it."

Which is both correct and proper. NOTHING WITH A PULSE! Oh, and friends who try to think of exceptions just to screw with my day? :P :)

Scientists have found the first direct fossil evidence that snakes preyed on dinosaurs. While a bit of a "duh" revelation, the find is one of the very few reasonably complete snake fossils ever found from the era, and does provide important insight into the evolution of one of Ellen's favorite belly dance accessories.

After many years of enjoying Om, my leopard spotted tortoise, we have finally found out that Om is a SHE.

Much to Olivia's tantrums... I'm still not renaming Om to "Chrissy."

See? See, The Grammas? Snakes can be helpful family pets! Yeah, I call "shenanigans" on it, too, but it makes for a fun story. Us? Oh hell no. There's a REASON Oriana's cage has 30 pounds of books sitting on its lid.

I guess this is just more proof that rednecks can be as gentle and careful as the next person. And yes, folks, that's the same kind of snake Ellen has. Oriana's about 2/3rds that big I think. Sorry, The Grammas, snakey isn't going anywhere any time soon.

Ron gets a no prize that wondersss if he hasss a mousssee??? for bringing us this colorful poster.

A more common mutation among snakes is the growth of a second head, which occurs in a similar way to the formation of Siamese twins in humans.

Photos!

Sometimes luck is bad, sometimes it's good, but for a turtle named Lucky, fortune seems to include the use of furniture sliders. He certainly doesn't seem to be suffering. He's certainly a lot more energetic than our own leopard-spotted tortoise!

Florida is having a huge problems with pythons in the Everglades.

Just goes to show you, it you can't take of it, don't own it.

Maybe he just wanted to play a round of golf.

Ellen would almost crash her car too:

Miss Dixon-Yeung, 27, was driving to the supermarket when the creature appeared from beneath the bonnet of her silver Audi TT.

She enlisted the help of Asda worker Joe Moore to remove the removed the reptile, which was later identified as a harmless North American corn snake.

The difference would be, as I'm sure you already have guessed, that Ellen would be trying to catch the thing to bring it home. Oh, and not to worry, snakey-snake ended up safely home in a field behind the store.

OM decided that Bud the dog was pretty nice to snuggle up against!

Mark gets a no-prize Ellen would recognize instantly for bringing us news of a patrol who's mission is to keep Burmese pythons out of the Florida keys. Which wouldn't sound like too much of a problem, except it would appear some 30,000 of the buggers live just north of there, in the Everglades.

Don't worry. Ellen already has one.

Scientists have announced the discovery of the largest snake ever found. Named Titanoboa cerrejonensis by its discoverers, this forty-two foot monster is thought to have lived about 60 million years ago. Not only does the find have implications about snake evolution, it also provides all sorts of information about the climate in which the critter lived.

What I want to know is, only five million years after the dinosaurs died out, just what this thing was eating? It's my understanding that for quite some time after the K-T event, the biggest animals wandering around were largish birds. And by "largish" I'm definitely not talking about house-sized beasties. More like "really really big ostrich" sized, which it sounds like this thing could eat in a gulp.

6 pounds of slinky goodness!

Meet Jonathan, the tortoise who has unexpectedly become perhaps the oldest living animal on Earth.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Masseuse to customer: would you like one snake, or two? Corn snakes are on the list, so maybe we can get Cornbread a job.

Ron gets a no-prize that carries its house on its back for letting us know the latest news in turtle evolution. And for giving us the title of this article, of course.

I've always thought it more than amazing that a turtle's shell is essentially its front and back ribs spread apart and fused together. It's nice to know we're finally figuring out just how that happened.

I can't have a snake like this...

Who needs ADT when you can have a Cobra tank by the door!

... scarin' da help:

With chickens, goats, ducks, geese and rabbits on his 800ft allotment, Ronnie Kenyon runs a proper little menagerie.

But even he draws the line at his latest guest - a 17ft python.

My life 10 years from now, let me show you it...

My life.

My boa let me show you. My boa.

Don't be hatin'. Hopefully someone turned the poor thing upright once the video was done. I think that's a leopard tortoise. If so, that's our own Om in about 10 years.

It's snakes in a mutha f'ing apartment:

A nearly fatal bite by a poisonous snake led to the arrest of a man Wednesday for keeping 51 deadly cobras and mambas in his Tokyo apartment without permission, police said.

Mark gets a hissy and hot no-prize for bringing us yet another reason not to live in a Tokyo apartment complex.

Mark gets a gargantuan no-prize for bringing us an example of just how big a big snake can be. One only hopes the snake hit the camera and not the photographer.

After a 2 & 1/2 week sojurn, Tank the tortoise has returned. While this article is a lot cheesier, it includes a video of the wanderer and his buddy.

I think Om will get to be about half the size of these guys.

Master CB (1.8 pound cornsnake of DOOM!),-ahem... of LOVE )and his girl he protects at night from 'monsters in the closet and under the bed'. CB, you do a great job! O loves ya!

OM eating his tortoise biscuits. He loooooves his biscuits.

LAWRENCE (WBZ) ― Lawrence officials are investigating a bizarre case of animal cruelty in which a pet python was nailed to a telephone pole with six roofing nails and left to die.

A reward is being offered to help find whoever nailed the python to the pole at an intersection on Lexington Street, where he was left dangling for at least eight hours.

Story and video can be found here

To paraphrase a Finding Nemo quote, "Keepers are friends, not food":

A pet store owner is calling a police sergeant a hero for saving her from the coils of a 12-foot Burmese python doing its best to turn her into a meal.

Surprisingly enough, absolutely everyone got out of it unharmed, including the snake. File this one under "Lessons: cheaply learned."

Leave it to Fark to reveal the first known case of a cigarette-smoking turtle. Because we all know every story originating is China is completely and totally true, right?

It's not like he can run fast or anything:

Animal control officers in Tracy [CA] have been contacted by the owner of a 150-pound tortoise that was found wandering around a residential neighborhood Monday afternoon.

Om will most likely be less than half that size fully grown. Little surprise then the next tortoise Ellen wants will be much, much bigger.

Y iz fud yapping?

A Kuranda [Australia] couple fears for their children's safety after a 5m python devoured their dog in front of them, just weeks after other snakes killed their cat and guinea pig.

It took me reading the article twice to make sure the creature wasn't their pet, but instead a wild animal. Ellen keeps both of her snakes locked in tanks.

Tortoise: 1, House: 0. Om's not quite big enough to stack straw up next to a heating lamp (he's about 1/4th the size of the article's subject), but he will be one day. Time to re-think some tank arrangements!

Ori weighs in at around 6 pounds now!

Why yes the snakes have bath time too!

From this...

To this!