All I can say is, we definitely buck the Virginia trend here in casa Johnson. This "tween mortification moment" brought to you by the happy parents council.

Of all the people to get mixed up about, I can't think of a worse choice. I mean, the man is famous for holding big guns and shouting at people. Live TV win!

This just in: The norks have conquered the sun. I'm sniffing either a hoax or a mistranslation, but it is North Korea. They're pretty much capable of any wacky thing as far as I'm concerned.

I guess the take-aways from this are: a) don't ride the luggage carousel, b) if you do, the cops will come sniffing around, c) get the hell out of the airport if you go for a ride.

Me, I'm going with a, but that's because I have a mortgage and responsibility and stuff.

Southerners in a snow storm:

8 ball, side pocket.

"While more virgins gave birth to boys (59.8%) or may have learnt they were pregnant during Advent, these trends did not reach statistical significance."

To tell the truth, I'm not completely sure anyone even uses Pagemaker. Maybe if they did these things wouldn't happen. Then again, being more efficient often means people just screw up faster.

Well, in his defense it did take some thirty years to turn these predictions into a collection of howlers. Like: "Baloney. Do our computer pundits lack all common sense? The truth in no online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works."

On the rare times I get a wrong text I just ignore it. These people? Not so much.

I'll admit a few of these made me itch a little, but it's nothing like what some of my friends will go through. Enjoy!

Now, this will be shocking so I want you to sit down. Ready? A McRib sandwich patty looks weird before it's cooked. I know, right, but surely this isn't just because it's a slow news day.

What happens when a bunch of engineers have a pumpkin carving contest? Pretty much what you'd expect. I liked the one with the googly eyes the best.

It's all fun and games until you notice what's happening on the hood of that car (SFW). From what I'm reading in various comments, this sort of thing is much more common than you'd at first think.

Wow! Look at those cars! No, actually, I've never been accused of being subtle. How'd you guess?

Introducing Marchi Mobile eleMMent Palazzo, a three million dollar monstrosity that reminds me of a dustbuster with wheels on. Do I want one? It's expensive, unique, probably unhinged in ways that aren't immediately obvious, and Italian. You do the math.

Hey, folks, stereotypes are usually there for a reason. Can't say I've known any Canadians since college, and back then we treated them more like crashed aliens than anything else. I mean, it's not like the University of Arkansas is the very first place a Canadian think of when it come to college, ya know?

Exactly why Southern cemeteries aren't studded with these things is a bit beyond me. Nobody has ever gone broke underestimating a red neck's taste. Proof positive that they don't all speak English, I guess.

Well, it's not like they come with labels, ya know? This actually happened to friends of ours a few years ago, although they paid about 1/10th that price, and I don't think (so far at least) it's anywhere near that big.

Well, I guess it's a certain sort of distinction that none of the states I've lived in rate best, or worst, at anything. States Ellen has lived in? Not so much. I do think it's funny everyone seems to want to vote Texas off the island.

I would not be surprised at all if this was a video in Ellen's house, back in the day. She is the QUEEN of workout videos. I also wouldn't be surprised if she knew who the lady was.

I know I shouldn't think some of these are funny, but I do. Some scenes are NSFW, others are patently offensive. So don't watch it. Eh?

Is that my new rental car, or are you just glad to see me? My luck, it'd be some retired Wal Mart greeter or something behind the counter that day.

Hey, there are advantages to owning your own space taxi, ya know? Olympic torches have always been designed to stay lit no matter what. It'll be interesting to see what sort of extremes they go to to keep one going in hard vacuum.

Around here, Ellen would be upset if they got it right. Olivia would be, too. Of course, she's ten, so her preferences can be a bit suspect. At least everyone seems to be treating it with a sense of humor. Most of these stories seem to end with the "victim" suing everyone in sight.

And in the "slow news" day file, we have this collection of 40s-era anti-VD posters. "You can't beat the axis if you get VD." Good to know.

I guess I really do miss out sometimes by skipping all the commercials. Then again, thinking about all the time I saved not watching them? I'm ok with this.

Moab, for the rest of us.

Oh, look. Someone's let the architects loose again. I'm pretty sure they meant to say the Palace of the Soviets was to be 1000 meters tall, not 100. As I recall, Hitler's "new Reichstag" would've enclosed roughly the same area as NASA's VAB. Except back then they would've had a harder time stopping rain clouds from forming inside it.

I love cross-cultural comparisons. Seeing what other people think of us gives me a specific sort of very useful mirror to look at. So, not only is this 10 American habits Brits will never understand worth a read, I think the rest of the articles linked at the bottom are, too. Oh, and missing curry? She needs to move out to Herndon, aka "New Herndeli."

As with guns, when misbehaving, always be aware of what is in front of AND BEHIND you (SFW). I've always gone with the assumption that my work computer's internet connection is monitored, and browsed accordingly. I'm pretty sure it's actually not, but why take the chance?

Well, if this is what North Koreans believe, no wonder they're so weird. The tone, content, and bizarre asides jibe well with what I've read about the place, so I'm leaning toward calling it "legit." Just how many North Koreans actually believe this stuff is hard to judge. And if they have to pay to see it, or need a TV, it really won't matter as the vast majority of Best Korea's citizens can afford neither.

Not content with the various broken bones and dislocations they provide separately, someone has combined the pogo stick and the scooter into a single device. Sometimes I'm happy to say "I'm way too old for that s-."

I believe the term "that's a lot of woman" is appropriate here. She looks like she's having fun, why the hell not?

I guess it's true, people really did talk like Austin Powers back in the 60s. I was but a wee lad at the end of that decade, and I fail to recall such colorful elocution. Then again, in 1969 the best I could do was probably "mama," so I'm probably not one to judge.

Watch out, folks, that snazzy new Iranian fighter jet has made its first flight. You know it's pretty bad when the aviation media goes on record that it's an RC model. But it's not meant for us, it's meant for the Iranian public. That said, from what I've read about Iran, the Iranians don't believe it all that much, either.

My VERY first race ever and I'm running in the cold, in my UNDERWEAR!

Please consider a donation no matter how big or small, every little bit helps!

And yes, there will be photos of proof I ran in my underwear in February!

Make a donation today!

For more information on the race, use this link.

Thank you!

Scottish authorities to seal: "Wanty bolt!"

Seal to authorities: Am away hame!

Something tells me it might get a bit smelly in there. Seals aren't known for their hygiene. Well, they're not to me, at any rate.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Phone too cumbersome to use as an actual phone? Here's a gizmo to help. A phone for your phone. Ellen will want three.

It's like they're trying to describe the far side of the moon.

HOA to local paper: Don't you dare print anything about us. If I see so much as our name...

Local paper: Oh-no-you-dih'-unt!

Pretty obvious whoever is in charge of this HOA is a freaking maniac. Local papers usually play ball with the politically connected a lot easier than this.

Warning: very "blue" language, but otherwise SFW.

Funny only because it seems he'll be ok: a Polish man was recently admitted to a hospital after he "answered his iron." And no, that's not a euphemism. The phone rang and he put the iron to his head. To add insult to injury, he then proceeded to bash his head on the door frame trying to get water on the burn.

And now, proof that the MSM really is all that stands between us and a takeover by The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. It's... it's like they're not even human, they're so good.

There's "turning to crime because you're too dumb to do anything else" stupid, and then there's this guy.

Yeah, most of the time you really shouldn't dress up for portraits. The thing is, thirty years from now the pictures taken this year will look just as dorky. It's all about smiling and remembering, after all.

I think UK Christmas parties must be a lot more fun than the ones we have in the US.

It looks like the Chinese are pretty proud of their aircraft carrier. You know, the one that'd never be turned into an actual ship, never be made operational, and was at least three years away from launching aircraft? Yeah, that one. Meh. Carriers are neat. I'd be proud, too.

And now, a list of 32 "best internet memes of 2032". At my house, Ellen and Olivia have both driven #9 completely into the ground. They should also start a "precious wee" meme, for the same reason.

It's all fun and games until the dumplings start to explode. Another unexpected feature of the modern world: getting a look at the entire world's local access programs.

The magical specks of color that float down the city streets are normally just a mishmash of multicolored confetti, but this year, shredded confidential documents from the Nassau Police Department were also in the air.

The worst part is that the documents were shredded horizontally, so they were still highly readable. Some strips that stuck to parade attendees contained Social Security Numbers of officers and others detailed crimes like a pipe bombing in the Kings Grant area of Long Island.

So much for responsible recycling!

Like the Fark headline says: Here's an amusement park ride where women get off before the ride is even over.

"So? How was the ride?"

"Slick!"

Should I not do that? Was that wrong? Even a quick perusal of the article will reveal that, why yes, alcohol was almost certainly involved. With a day-old conviction for DUI and driving on a suspended license, you can already tell this person's decision making skills are... sub-standard.

Around here, we call this "Tuesday." Well, ok, yes, I guess we actually call it "any day that ends with a 'y.'" But we have fun!

You know you're getting old when you realize this used to ALWAYS be the reason for a kid not being at the bus stop to be picked up. Sadly, that is by far no longer the case.

It looks like being German was no protection against standard youthful incompetence. General Abrahms, I think was the source of this joke: "Take any average tank crewman, give him an anvil, and fly him out into the middle of a desert and leave him alone for four hours. It's the middle of the desert, they're all alone, it's just a lump of iron, and he has no tools. I promise you, when you pick him up, the anvil will be broken."

And now, the lighter side of hurricane Sandy. It seems to include ALL the footage that was used to make those silly storm-related pictures we all saw two weeks ago. Laughter definitely beats the alternative.

It's official: absolutely nothing is safe on Russian roads. Their traffic accident footage is epic. I still can only guess that it's an insurance quirk that sees so many of these cameras in use on Russian roads.

Sometimes more efficient communications just means you screw up faster. Bonus: the article notes the photo of soldiers guarding the Tomb of the Unknowns was taken in a summer shower in September.

Best. Street camera placement. EVAR!

Sometimes the quote is all you need: My vagina is watching you from the other side. It will know if you stray. (SFW).

The things college-aged writers do for money: Let's see how well cereal holds up after its expiration date has passed, sometimes by more than twenty years. Said author seems to have made it through with flying colors, although I wonder how many extra trips to the bathroom may have resulted the next day.

Having solved all other animal cruelty problems, PETA is taking on the abusive, slavish relationship pokemon have with their trainers. Because, as you all know, stuffing magical fantasy creatures into red-and-white balls and tossing them at things is the height of animal cruelty.

Funny. From the media reports, I thought all they talked about was Big Bird?

You know time has marched on when a pop singer outbids NASA for a ride. Assuming it's true, of course. TFA doesn't seem to mention how long she'll be staying up there. For 53+ mil, hopefully it'll be for a couple of days, at least.

This is why the marketing department should never be put in charge of anything: a new Motorola ad claiming Apple Maps can't find an address is using one that doesn't exist at all. It's Manhattan, too! Everyone knows the addresses there, right?

Those of you who, like me, got tired of scrolling around a whole lot of nothing with today's XKCD comic may find this helpful. Slashdot's calling it the world's biggest web comic ever. Not sure I can disagree with that.

Some of them are incredibly well-known, but I'd never seen most of them. I loves me some game shows!

A Vietnamese car wash owner got busted for a particularly original "customer loyalty" plan. I guess women in Vietnam don't really get their car washed all that often. And by "car washed," I bloody well mean CAR WASHED. Stop giggling. Geeze, you'll pass out!

What I want to know is, how many people let this one get by before it ended up in print? Back when I worked with a non-profit, I seem to remember several committee meetings with at least six people on each before something went to print. Yes, they were a bunch of prissy wannabes, but still.

An elderly German farmer apparently got the surprise of his life when authorities notified him what he thought were sunflower seeds had turned into marijuana plants. This supposedly happened after he tossed bird seed on the ground. If it's all true, and I am by no means sure it is, I predict a run on bird seed at every pet supply store in the US in 3... 2... 1...

Wandering around naked and scaring old people is no way to go through life, son. At least this time it wasn't some 300 lb. basket case on a scooter. Bonus: Woo pig, sooey!

I've often wondered, if you take enough pictures will you eventually snap one of everything? Google is there to provide the answer. I must admit a bit of disappointment there weren't more people in various states of undress, but I'm odd that way.

Now that's my kind of shirt. It even has a cat on it! How cool is that?

Possibly the funniest trend floating around on the web right now.

I dare you not to laugh out lout.

At last, the sordid tale of Kenny the Clown and Steve Jobs' iPad can be told. Yes, you heard that right. Unfortunately this poor guy's house will probably end up a stop on The Great Apple Pilgrimage Road, where the faithful go to trace The Great Ones trials and tribulations on his path to Electronic Enlightenment.

Today's "why'd it take this long" entry is a particularly "sexy" one (SFW). If, you know, your idea of sexy is a bunch of guys dressed up like JPL engineers and a chick in a bikini with a box on her head. And that's also a gold star for "least likely set of words in a single sentence" for me, too!

Google. Is there anything it can't do? Using Google's auto-fill statistics as a predictor of US state stereotypes is great fun (Arkansas isn't interesting enough to warrant more than one thing), but even better is the first comment, who's author should win a prize for "Best. Internet. Snob. Evar!"

Got popped for weed possession and resisting arrest? That's a crushin'. "[Police] said they couldn't pursue the man because their cars were crushed." With "one picture says it all" goodness!

That's why the British are a specific sort of cool.

Ya know, this is almost enough to make me want to join twitter. You know, because I don't have enough avenues to spout off to the whole world as it is. I especially liked "Heather Has Two Mommies Without Jobs."

Why, yes, he's just glad to see you. Article is SFW but links to a (from the thumbnails) a slide show that's on the edge. Or tip, as it were. I wonder what he actually does for a living?

It's nice to know even famous parents have to put up with their kids' sh-. That said, putting up with it is much easier with bodyguards and nannies. On the other hand, my kid's meltdowns don't end up on the front pages of newspapers in the checkout line. Meh. Their lives, their problems.

And in the "too much time on my hands" file, we have a guy who's made a kind of career out of bizarre portraits. Even the originating article doesn't really explain exactly what this guy is trying to accomplish. That said, the pictures are... interesting?

Yes, I think they'd be better served spending less time on this and more time on making sure the car goes fast and the pit crew stops f'ing it up. But this is still fun.

Leave it to the Aussies to leave nothing to the imagination. I do have to agree that rubbing one out on the train is... rude.

Ick.

Not content with copying an entire Swiss town, another developer in China has copied London's Tower Bridge. Since it is China, after all, the knock-off is smaller and doesn't do everything the original does. It probably also costs less.

Ever wonder what it'd look like if a big-time fireworks show shot everything off all at once? Wonder no more. Fortunately, it seems that nobody got hurt. Complainers gonna complain, of course, but for me just answering the question would be worth a fireworks show that was 15 seconds long.

I thought panic was defined by a Southerner faced with a snow storm. This has now been topped by a Southerner faced with a week in July with no air conditioning. Background and further comments is here...

Ellen insists this is what our living room is like when I turn the rig up to 11.

To paraphrase an ancient Eurythmics song: "you can fool with your brother / but don't mess with those knitting with their hands." Obligatory:

Background story, and a second song, is here...

Pro tip: when exiting from a failed shoplifting attempt, try not to get run over by your getaway car. Bonus: this is the Wal Mart we use most weekends for groceries. All in all, I'd rather it be a lot more boring than this. Bonus: Perp is actually from, you guessed it, New York.

Well, at least now I know my family isn't the only one with a collection of awkward family photos on gramma's wall. After my grandparents passed away all those pictures were (presumably) boxed up and hidden away somewhere. But I know they're out there, somewhere, waiting to horrify an unsuspected distant relative some day.

No. No, I won't.

"Adopting a hairless cat is like hiring a naked old man to walk around your apartment and never thank you for anything." -- Even more tweets are here...

Forget whether Obama was born in the US. Ace of Spades asks the serious question: what if Obama is actually the Superman doppelganger Bizarro? With quotes like "Eca, ecanomix... Jobz? Jobz simple. Me punish job creators until they destroyed. Then me say "Ha ha ha!" Then they make jobz," one has to wonder.

It's been awhile since Fark had a really epic "CSB" story, but the comments on "Have you ever stopped dating someone for a silly reason" is quite full of win. "She smelled like soup" is currently my fav.

Problem: you have a story about officials inspecting a landscaping project, a picture of said project, and a picture of said officials, but not together.

Solution: time to go 'shopping!

The author is understandably incredulous that anyone would take this seriously, and to their credit it seems like some people in China figured it out fast enough. But that completely misses the point. The propaganda ministry isn't trying to convince hipsters, let alone foreign hipsters, of anything. They're trying to make sure the little old lady in the checkout line believes what they say. Now, think about it. I'm sure your grandma would figure this out in a heartbeat, but would all of her friends be able to do it?

And that, folks, is why this is happening.

The MLB season is, what, not much more than a month old and already Cubs fans are losing their damned minds. Then again, it didn't take long for the Cubs to silt down to the bottom of their division but still. Buck up, people! There's a whole lot of baseball left to play!

Well, that's one way to prove your point: a man's effort to get his neighbors to close their windows during sex involved posting an audio file of same on the internet. Classy? Us? You really don't come around here all that often, do you? The article is SFW, but (I'm guessing) headphones would be required to listen to the file.

Meh. It's not like he posted the address. I've never completely understood why people are so put out by all this putting out. Guess I just must have a different irritation threshold.

What do you do when simply taking the keys away from a teenage boy doesn't slow his driving down? If you're in a specific neighborhood in Poland, you get creative. If it fell out of there, it'd likely only improve the car.

Presenting the world's lightest "Ferrari." No, the quotes aren't an accident. The darned thing costs more than the original. I do like the way this one sounds, though. All throaty and stuff.

I gotta tell ya, I'd pay a lot more attention to our presidential debates if this was part of the scenery. You know, for the fifteen seconds or so it'd take Ellen to find something heavy to hit me with. But those would be some pretty interesting seconds, I'll tell ya...

While by now every hipster and Obamanite has heard of Julia, the hypothetical woman who benefits from having the correct person in the White House, we haven't heard the whole story. It's a lot more interesting than you'd at first think. Especially the whole "arm-as-a-chainsaw" thing.

It's funny because that's really what it sounds like when your side talks about mine. The confused look on your face just makes me laugh harder.

Yes, Virginia, there are sharks with lasers on them. I'm with the guy who designed the brackets: if it helps pay off the R&D, gets some advertising out there, and doesn't hurt anything, why not?

It seems kids of all sorts have no idea what to make of a peacock. Nice to see a giant-sized freak-out, too. On kittens, it's cute but not as impressive.

All those people who took that "Romney mistreats his dog" story are pleased to be calming down now. I like the inevitable reply site even better!

A mid-level member of the Taliban has decided to cut out the middleman and turn himself in for the reward. Unfortunately that word does not mean what he thinks it means, and "arrestilarity" has ensued.

Like they say: images matter. Sadly, the media's already playing down this particular unforced error. Me, I'm puzzled. Prostitution is legal in Columbia, and presumably even Secret Service agents get time off, even on assignment. If no laws were broken and this wasn't done on company time, what's all the fuss really about?

I really don't remember video games stinking this badly back in the day. Then again, I can remember spending a sleepless night waiting for Santa to bring us a Pong game. And playing it at 5 am in my pajamas just like it was yesterday, so I'm no real judge.

Not just the kind that hangs in the sky, also the kind that is stored in a bottle. Ellen got big into the hole self-tanning thing that she claimed was needed for dance performances and such. Me, I'm pretty sure it was to make sure I got funny-looking tan lines on my hands.

Sorry, can't help it, chicks coming out of anesthesia after wisdom tooth surgery are just funny. They must've changed the mix over the years, since (as I recall) all Ellen did was giggle a lot and claim they stole her tongue. When the drugs wore off, it wasn't as much fun any more.

Also making the rounds: an obnoxious drunk getting pretty damned epic with Bohemian Rhapsody. It looks like they picked him up, drove somewhere for most of an hour, and then just let him rip in the parking lot. There's a reason I play thundering music when I get that toasty. I can't hold that kind of pitch.

Good to know a college is a college. My junior-and-above-level classes were enough like these I cringed more than a few times, and hell all I got was an arts-and-crafts degree. Oh, and those nightmares? The ones where you're sitting for a final in a class you thought you'd dropped in the first week? They'll still be with you, twenty-five years after you graduate. Sleep well!

Via B. Justin Shier (READ HIS BOOKS!)

Pro tip: no matter how tightly you've locked your FB profile, if you say something genuinely weird, it will get out. See? You people just thought I could be weird and inappropriate. Yeah, I know, a few are probably fake. Oh, and for the record, mine have never smelled like cheddar cheese, ever.

The Washington Post's fourth annual "Peep Show" winners have been announced. I would've made the winning entry with more burnination and homeless people, but I'm not what you'd call sympathetic when it comes to hipsters who need to move the hell on and get a freaking...

But I digress...

One of the supposed joys of traveling is eating weird stuff, because North American food is legendarily plain. Turns out, to someone not from around here, our food isn't as plain as we're lead to believe. I'd long known that Europeans think free refills and giant portions are weird. I didn't know about the Chinese and cheese. Maybe that person was from a specific part of China with no knowledge of that stringy, gooey wonderfulness?

Exhibit number 34,567, "The Dumb Sh- Things Guys Do": trying to jump over a rail fence from a moving car. I'm pretty sure he destroyed his junk and literally tore himself a new one. Ah, well. He probably removed himself from the gene pool, so we at least have that.

Ever wonder what modern super heroes would dress like if they lived in the 19th century? Well, ok, neither did I but someone who draws better than me did. Funny. There's something they all have in common with their modern counterparts, I just can't quite put my finger on it...

Make sure you check out the rest of Tommy's YouTube channel. I laughed my ass off at a lot of them!

It's nice to know the cute chopper robots who'll eventually rule the planet aren't infallible. I guess all that netting and safety equipment is there for a reason.

Leave it to the Japanese to turn my current hobby up to 11. The clip is undated (as far as I could figure out), but that's a slightly older-tech chopper there, with mechanical balance controls. Which is to say, the pilot is even better than you think he is. I still wouldn't let him land one that size on my head.

Damion gets the coveted Junk Yard No-prize for bringing us an alternative way to pull an engine. I'm pretty sure this is a salvage yard. Otherwise it's just a bunch of guys hooning about with an old, defenseless Jetta. I'm OK with that.

And in the, "surprised it's taken this long" file, we have a Twilight-inspired engagement photo session. Let's see, they're a) (presumably) paying their taxes, b) staying out of trouble, and c) not on my lawn. It's official, they can do whatever they want.

For the Apple-obsessed freak in your life who has everything: Chinese authorities have seized a large number of "Apple iPhone Stoves." Looks more like an "Apple iPhone Hot Plate" to me. I think they still make those, don't they? At any rate...

It turns out there actually are places with motorists who are as colorful as the ones we have here in N. VA. Of course, that's a whole state. We cram that much chaos into a geographic area that doesn't officially exist. Here's a list of some of the wackiness we put up with.

SING!!!

Fark is featuring an absolutely epic "cool story, bro" thread involving roommates. I have a few wacky party stories, but was pretty fortunate in the roommate department. Oh, there were some difficult ones, but nothing all that special.

Lewis Black has got that great, ranty freshness taking a look at how the media is handling Whitney Houston's death. I noticed in the grocery store on Sunday The National Enquirer was featuring more than a dozen pages going into all the gory details but, hey, at least the Enquirer never pretends to be anything it's not. All the others who sneer and make snide remarks about sleazy tabloids? Not so much.

An enterprising (presumably) gay person has decided to do the Mormons' practice of baptizing dead people into their religion one better by allowing anyone to "homosexualize" a Mormon. Normally I'm not all that pleased when people make fun of other peoples' faith, but I have to admit the whole "baptize by proxy" thing is definitely one of the weirder aspects of the Mormon faith. Oh who am I kidding. My bunch not only believe it's possible to be reincarnated, but to be reincarnated as a bug. Faith is weird that way sometimes.

Christmas came very early for someone as it left someone else's house: a safe bought on E-bay for $122.93 ended up containing $26,000 in cash. This seems a little fishy to me. That much cash in a wall safe that just "appears" in the world's biggest flea market makes me think, "drug dealer," and those guys are known for being... intolerant... when people lose or steal their money.

Assuming it's real at all. And yeah, someone who finds that much cash and starts blabbing about it? I'm thinking neither party in this transaction are what we'd generally recognize as genius-grade decision makers.

Even when worn by one of the most evil men in history, lederhosen look ridiculous. Any chance to make ol' Adolf look stupid is a chance worth taking in my book. Downfall parodies, FTW!

Yes... this was given to me by an Asian friend.

The lengths guys go to distract themselves knows no bounds: take a look at how one guy deals with "noisy" neighbors. A specific sort of NSFW noisy, if you get my meaning. Dude, we learned a long time ago bare boards stink at bouncing quarters. You'll have a much easier time with a hardened surface like a piece of countertop or something.

Given enough time, not only will people think of basically everything, they'll build it, too. Witness the V8 Volvo sedan. Complete with a fresh primer finish! I'm smiling a bit broader here because not yesterday we saw a set of very expensive rims with ultra low-profile tires mounted on a different Volvo. It was a station wagon.

Hey, I wouldn't be a guy if I didn't occasionally engage in ridiculous childishness every once in awhile. And yes, the guy probably needs to see a psychiatrist or something. Then again, don't we all?

Why yes, I DID record this man dancing. He did this for a full half hour too.

A friend on Facebook was talking about voice mail strangeness recently, but it was of the "wtf are you calling me at 7 am when I don't get in until 8" variety. I wanted to show her what REAL weirdness was, but when I went looking I couldn't find my favorite message. It'd vanished. Now it's back. The beeps are my own edits to remove genuinely personal information. So sit back and take a listen to what genuine wackiness sounds like.

This was my original entry:

One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.

Frank J. Fleming: "But how do people react to seeing millions more on food stamps? It’s not the logical, “Yay — look at all the new people I get to help with my tax dollars!” No, it’s irrational yelling about all the extra people dependent on government. To which I ask: What’s so wrong with being dependent on government?

I'm sorry. It's funny.

Yes, people really do talk like this around here. Hell, I talk like this around here.

Who knew the Empire's minions could be delicious? I wouldn't feel ridiculous applauding this guy's armor. I'd be too busy munching on it. And who would've thought of a "cake" made out of rice crispy treats? My kind of sweet!

Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good iPad like that. I know of at least two people who would dance around like you'd tied their kid to that balloon, waiting for it to fall to earth. I'd pay money to watch how they'd react to a successful recovery.

Hey, man, they're show cars. Sometimes things go wrong with show cars. Unfortunately this one won't work anymore, because all the magic smoke got out. With video!

Iran is now claiming to have downed that drone by using flying saucers and tractor beams. And when they say "flying saucers and tractor beams," the actually mean... well, flying saucers and tractor beams, actually. No, really!

Me, I'm keeping my money on the "software bug/hardware fault that left it stuck using GPS instead of its jam-proof internal navigation" square.

Engrish strikes again with a rather amusing/startling take on how to advertise a sale. I thought Ellen was the only one who talked that way, you know, to Amber and stuff. Somewhere in Japan there's a lot of bowing going on, and hopefully an English-speaking gaijin will get a new job.

Fark started up an epic picture thread for those in mourning over the weekend's playoff results. Some of them were pretty good:

Go pick out your favorites!

It would appear the ancients were no more interested in being "green" than (most of) the rest of us. The main differences, of course, were that there were a helluva lot fewer of them, and their trash typically was biodegradable. Oh, and don't miss the much older and only vaguely related article that relates how teenaged boys haven't changed a damned bit in 35,000 years.

Actually, it's when ceiling fans attack idiots. The sound it makes is what really sells "teh funnay." Worst I ever did was shove a beer glass into one, around when I was this kid's age. It went off like a bomb, but nobody got hurt. This kid, not so much. His follow up shows he's got charm instead of brains. Looks like the ceiling fan is fine, although I wonder if the balance might be a little off now.

Fark has announced its "Headlines of the Year" awards, and as usual they're worthy winners. My personal favorite: "What's the new rage in protesting, if you're a monk in China? Why, setting yourself on fire, of course. It's been done before. But monk he see, monk he do."

Jupiter the cat and his friends sing their latest hit!

It never ceases to amaze me that, after a lifelong study of WWII aviation, there are still things out there to be discovered. Can't do that as easily nowadays, since I'm pretty sure wood (or even metal) won't stand up all that well hanging from a modern jet fighter. Then again, maybe a scrubbed-out drop tank would do the trick.

No, I'm Buddhist. It means I'm coming back as a bug, not going to a "heated room."

Today's "head explodes with candy" moment comes to us courtesy of a clumsy panda cub. As if there's any other sort of panda cub. Looks like the panda's fine. I guess they bounce pretty well at that age.

Witness the wonders of finance in a multi-child household. Because Olivia's our only one, our jobs are much simplified. Which is not an accident. She tends to trade on good behavior and grades to get what she wants. We're fine with that, it provides the right incentives.

Chris W. gets a no-prize that'll fizz when he shakes it for bringing us the latest antics of those diet soda guys. It definitely looks like Coke Zero has more energy in it than Diet Coke. That trigger mechanism seems pretty cool, too. I wonder what those plastic rods are for?

This just in: the Muppets are a Marxist front organization. An amusing example of people taking themselves way too seriously, or an embarrassing example of my side coughing up the ball? I guess it all depends on which side of the peanut gallery you're sitting.

Great. Now we'll start seeing ridiculous little pickup trucks wandering around the mall soon. These cars make sense in the downtown of the dense ancient cities of Europe, which naturally means they're quite common in my suburban Virginia environs. It must be a damned interesting commute in one of these things on the toll road, that's all I'm saying.

Fans of the show will nod and note it was really only a matter of time: the Mythbusters finally blew a hole in the wall of someone's house. Nobody was hurt, but I'm sure their insurance company is not in a happy place right now. Here's to hoping they're able to keep doing the show!

Lord bless this, thy Wikipedia, without which we would never have known about the U-boat that visited Rhode Island before setting back out to sea and sinking six freighters, in daylight, on the surface, surrounded by US destroyers. Funny because, remarkably, absolutely no-one got hurt in the operation. Remarkably, U-53 survived the war and died "in its bed," turned into razorblades in 1922.

Funny because nobody got seriously hurt: an exotic car outing ends in a spectacular smash-up. The cars are expensive not just because they're fast. Some of that engineering definitely goes into making them safer. In other words, if you're going to have a crash going 100+ mph, you could do a lot worse than one of these.

Japan is famous for being ultra-strict on speeders. It wouldn't surprise me if people ended up in jail over this.

Amazing it's only been a year, but Damn You Autocorrect is celebrating it in style. I'm still not completely convinced any of them are real, but Ellen goofs autocorrect often enough to make me think it's plausible. Me? I've got one of those slide-out keyboards on my phone for a reason.

Ok, I gotta hand it to the guys over at ThinkGeek. This is really clever. Thing is, I'm pretty sure they take their models from their general staff. Which means that lady... well, that lady probably has to deal with a lot of requests for metal bikinis, if ya know wha' I mean...

I'm really sad they didn't make the end of this clip into a slow-mo instant replay. Funny, but basketball and soccer both have it all over these guys. Hey, what's a little drama among friends?

Some people take medicine, this man does karaoke!

Coming to a bridal shower near you: Bella's Twilight wedding dress is now for sale. I think Amber will need to renew her vows for this one.

News you can use: women's "gaydar" accuracy varies with their hormonal cycle. Can't be true. Requires women to be wrong, which all married men know just doesn't happen.

This just in: Amazon's Kindle reader actually weighs more when it's full of books. Admittedly, not much more, but it does make for a nifty scientific prediction. First, though, we have to find a scale that can measure in attograms. Yeah, you heard me. I did spell it right!

Fark, irreverent? No way: "Catholic Mass liturgy to change for the first time since the 60's; will now include segment where the faithful say "Pie Iesu domine" and hit themselves in the forehead with a board." Linking to this story.

So, how many Internet memes can you spot? My pop-culture-fu is weakening, I had to read the caption on nearly all of them. I did think "Asian father" and "the real 1%" were funny.

Via Cobb.

While we here at AMCGLTD are perfectly aware this is parody. Or is it?

Only in Alaska: grocery store business stopped due to bear cub in the produce section. Me, I'd be much, MUCH, more worried about where momma bear was at that particular moment. Then again, it's nice to see it's not just human babies that can end up in the damnedest places when you turn your back on them.

A family got so lost in a corn maze (maise maze?) they had to call 911 to be rescued. Pro tip: if you never want to get lost in a maze again, hold a finger against a wall and keep it there as you walk. You will find the center, and your way out. I got that from an old AD&D manual decades ago, but I have tried it and it does work. If I jog I can usually beat the "expert" time easily.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that's a-changin' for bringing us this most welcome riposte.

Via Instapundit.

As expected, the Foo Fighters were creative in their response to the Westboro wackos' protest. Still, doesn't quite seem fair to get front seats to an ipromptu concert just because you're a nutjob. Ah, well.

No, realli! He was Karving his way tru apples using the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush... What? You didn't really think I'd let another chance to make Holy Grail references go by, did you? Just wait until I break out the llamas!

Indeed.

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The hits keep coming in this collection of cleverly defaced signs. This time, with even more "STOP: HAMMERTIME" goodness!

It's like something out of a cartoon: inventor found blackened, wandering the street in his underwear, after blowing up his own house. I've long known stills could be finicky, but I had no idea they were explosively dangerous. In other news, it's perfectly legal to run your own still in the UK. Try that in the US, and the revenuers'll come a-knockin'...

Hundreds feared dead.

Why?

It hit a cemetary.

With 32 fun photos!

Why yes, yes we are. And we'll be seeing you next November, you can be damned sure of that. Via Instapundit.

I always tend to steer clear of the "free food in the breakroom" phenomenon, but that's just because I'm a recovering picky eater. Now I know there are even better reasons to be cautious. Or, on reflection, perhaps hidden bonuses? Sort of like a real-life version of finding hidden coins in a Mario Brother's game?

Knowing fanatics who follow their respective teams, well, fanatically, I thought the paths to the Cowboys and the Redskins were particularly appropriate. Me? Yeah, ok, I root for the 'skins, but that's because they're the home team. Hell, if I lived in Dallas, I'd be all blue and silver most likely. College football is where I have genuine loyalty. Go Hogs!

No wonder they can't find Kadaffi! Me, I'm surprised CNN can find its butt with both hands and a map sometimes.

Possibly one of the funniest 80's videos out there!

I should mention we splurged. We spent an entire $8 on Amazon for this CD! Chicago 17 FTW!

Motivation? You need motivation to exercise, punk? All right, how about 5k's worth of obstacles and zombies? That's right, maggot, zombies! DO YOU FEEL LIKE RUNNING NOW?!? DO YOU?!?

In the wake of the DC earthquake, is it too early to ask what Obama did wrong?

Gotta love dem farkers.

Exactly how this got past the editors I'm not so sure: a Haaretz report on a Jewish youth singing competition in Israel ended up with the headline, Who will be Israel's next Jewish idol?. I dunno, I guess it's just me, but the first thing I thought of was, "wait, are they going to paint them gold? Is an angry old Jew going to come down a mountain and throw stone tablets at everyone?"

It's bad enough when a truck driver doesn't pay attention to clearance signs before passing under a bridge. It's even less fortunate when the truck is carrying cars. Expensive cars. The underpass in front of my college's student union would snare trucks with some regularity, and it had the gouges in the ceiling to prove it. I think they eventually lowered the road to stop it from happening.

Football season is clearly upon us when the plaintive cry, "love the Redskins! They won't suck this year! We Promise!" rings all the way to the Shenandoah valley. I had to double-check the byline to make sure Redskins fanatic Chris didn't actually write it.

Yeah, right, I know I know. When Redskins fans engage in myopic hope whilst dancing on the edge of the abyss, it's sad. When Cowboys fans do it, it's a factual step onto the plains of paradise. Until it isn't. Every year.

We've actually seen the one with the button and the bacon. Put it this way, beats the heck out of setting a police car on fire.

I think.

Planking is so last May. Now we have "horsemaning." Pictures of seemingly headless belly dancers in costume will, of course, be on their way as soon as Laura and Ellen do another show together.

Via Instapundit.

"I am a little shocked. She says she is a Christian, but the Bible doesn't say anything about dinosaurs. Should I let him keep them, as long as he understands that dinosaurs aren't real? Even the PBS shows that he watches talk about dinosaurs and evolution, and how the scientists found these "bones" but the Bible doesn't say that God ever created them, and the earth is only 6,000 years old, not old enough to have "bones" that they say are MILLIONS of years old! I know that Satan tries to trick us in many ways, and this is one way that he tries to fool man into believing that there isn't a God who created the universe. How can they be bones when they are made out of ROCKS? I told my son that dinosaurs are one of Satan's many ways of tricking man, and he must talk to God before he plays with them. Am I handling this right? My first 3 were all girls, and I adopted boys, and lots of mothers tell me that boys are often attracted to these dinosaurs. So I don't know what to do. Is this just harmless fantasy play for him, or should I be worried that he may go on to believe in things like evolution?"

Really? There are still people out there like this?

Don't forget to read the comments! Those are always the best!

I think the judges just didn't like his technique. I don't remember that sort of thing resulting in a DQ, but memory may be failing or they may have changed the rules. Sometimes the trigger is just too hairy.

So, does the "Angry Birds Bra" mean they've jumped the shark, or is there more to come?(SFW) Or, you know, support... something like that. Now, if it falls apart as quickly as one of the puzzles, I may find it more interesting.

Blonde + Bentley + Monaco = Ferrari - Aston Martin - Porsche. The price of beauty is high. The price of beauty behind the wheel of an expensive luxury car driving down the streets of Monaco is quite a bit higher. "Like the fist of an angry god..."

Iowahawk: The end is nigh, and yeah, they shall tweet about it. I'd have no problem forcing policy wonks to live by their own wits, precisely because of the predicted outcome. And who knew the number 4 would make a good shiv?

A woman who refuses to pay more than $400 in fines because a cop found the plastic testicles hanging from her car obscene has set the blogosphere a-chattering. I think they're funny because they gross Ellen out. I'm classy that way.

This just in: vibrations caused by a Tae Bo workout caused the evacuation of an office tower in South Korea. Fitness nuts Ellen and Suzanne call that "vigorous." I tried Tae-Bo once, but I don't have the balance or coordination. I gave up on aerobics the third time one of Ellen's videos told me "you'll look great in your summer dress!" Biking, that's my ticket.

This one goes out to all my pun-loving friends...

Recently Ron and Amber noted they saw an elderly version of themselves sitting at a Bob Evans. Now I've found a picture of what one of them will look like shortly after that. Or, you know, if Ron actually does manage to roll his Datsun off the edge of a cliff or something. I'm sure there are people who've had Razorback-themed funerals. I just can't find pictures of them.

Now that "planking" seems to have run its course, we now have "leisure diving." Ellen and Laura, you now have your new mission. Not sure if the belly dance costumes will handle this silliness as well.

Ellen's favorite local new channel really hit it out of the park choosing the clipart for this story. I especially like the little bubbles. What? Well of course they'll serve beer in hell.

... and then there's the guy who couldn't quite untangle himself from the reporter's wires. Bonus: wearing a water-powered jet pack. I must admit that thing looks pretty sweet.

Ever wonder just how many different ways a live morning TV segment can go wrong? Wonder no more. Jeff gets the coveted Donald Duck no-prize for bringing us yet another example of how Australian TV is so cool.

From the land that brought Ellen's 9 year old sister giggling outside to ask me if my dad fed me squirrels... a Manhattan restaurant is serving a "Texan" sandwich that would be unrecognizable to anyone actually living in the state. Per usual, New Yorkers manage to make something annoying yet strangely compelling at the same time.

Dang, I'm slowing down... I've only said 4 of these 9 things "you should never say to a child" to Olivia. "If you don't clean you're room I'll kill you and make another one just like you" and "if you don't go across this walkway I'm going to toss you off it" were strangely absent. Bonus points?

Well, what do you see in this collection of signs and advertisements? I only see advertisements, I don't know what the rest of you are going on about. My story, sticking to it, you sickos...

Convalescents get bored, I provide: The Jefferson County Sheriff's Department said the man and a woman were in the process of burglarizing the garage on Glade Chapel Road, in Hillsboro, when they decided to have sex. While having sex, the woman sprayed the man with pepper spray. And that, folks, is how to have a party.

No, really, the shark jumped over the guy. There's a nursery rhyme in there somewhere, I'm just not clever enough to tease it out. Yet another reason to stick to swimming pools and water parks, far as I'm concerned.

Our Geek-Fu is... weak! We missed Tau Day! In our defense, neither one of us has mad math skillz. My last math class was college algebra, twenty-five years ago. I got a C-. Ellen says she passed calculus 1, but only by blinking big hazel eyes at the instructor.

3... 2... 1...

It's nice to see I'm not the only one married to a insurgent shopper. Suicide bargain hunters, even. The sound you heard was Ellen's and Amber's heads exploding at all the inappropriate jokes they could make to each other over the phone, scandalizing their co-workers.

Personally, I like it better when politicians spew near an open mike, but this guy gets bonus points for airing out his private thoughts over an air traffic control channel. I guess it could be worse. He could've done it with the cabin mike open instead. Man, I tell you, those Southwest flights really can get interesting!

Weird Al is just BRILLIANT!

Chris W. will be inconsolable, now that "Friday" has been removed, possibly for good. Of course, that means he'll go off and find something worse. Come back, Rebecca! Please, come back!

The best part is, Ellen doesn't think these people have an accent. Because they don't. New Yorkers make the rules, and those are the rules. Just ask Ellen! Or the Queen Mutha!

Weird Al seems to have been given one of those quick-hit surveys by one of Amber's most-favorite magazines, and the results are pretty much what you'd expect. That PIN number info'll probably come in handy. The Social Security number will, too!

Look, if Jon Stewart is sending up the media's latest attempt to bury Sarah Palin once and for all, that pretty much means it's "stick-a-fork-in-it" time. Even UK newspapers have noticed the frenzied non-event may have unintended consequences for the MSM. Liberals, and unintended consequences? Say it ain't so!

Ha! From experience, I know the difference between Southern BBQ and Yankee grilling is not technique. It's blinking at the "mutha-in-loowa" who insists there's nothing wrong and we should just eat around the squirrel's claw marks. Good times, good times...

Oh, how many people do I know who "sound" like this? "I think even crazy people are aware of Godwin’s Law by now; they are just too crazy to care. Fight it. One easy way to identify yourself as crazy is to have no sense of scale. To a crazy person, every little bit of nonsense is a crisis of epic proportions that has to be handled right now."

What's that you say? Me? How dare you! When I declare something is a CRISIS, it's a DAMNED CRISIS!

You'd think someone on the staff would've pointed out the obvious problem to the Des Plaines folks that people might misunderstand their "I *heart* DP" campaign. Sorry, if you don't get it either I'm not explaining. Just make sure you have safe search set to "max" when you try to look it up. At home. Site itself is SFW.

And now, midget bullfighting. Oh, don't worry, no cattle were harmed in the making of the show. It's a living.

Oh who am I kidding? I was dating Ellen when she was 19. Her actual video would've involved just as much emotion, but many... many... more f-bombs and gestures. Amber, however...

(Yes, I'm pretty sure it's fake, too. But it's funny!)

There's a reason motorcycles and bicycles have a front and rear brake. Unfortunately this guy seems to have forgotten that reason. Oh, he's fine. His crotch rocket looks to be at least mostly fine, too.

Remember, folks, when in Indiana don't fear the space rays. No, really! It's gotta be a movie prop or something. The best this area can do is a, "Caution: Deaf Pedestrain" sign just off the south end of North Capitol street in the District, I think.

I link this because Ellen giggles every time the subject comes up: Erections have consequences!

Is that a bear in your hot tub? Actually, it was more like the bear found itself a convenient watering hole surrounded by an inconvenient fence. So, hot tub owners, next time you find yourself annoyed at cleaning the bugs out, just remember it could be worse!

I'd propose it to Fark, but it'd never get greenlit: Man fails attempting to leap over red bull. This is not a repeat from 2500 BC. Or BCE, if that's your cup o' tea. With video!

This blog is genuinely funny.

Possibly the BEST way to embarrass your kid, but when they are older they will look back and think what a cool person you really were.

The UK's new environmental taxes are threatening green energy research. You must understand taxes aren't supposed to be paid by everyone, just by the people we don't like. No, really, check out the comments, that's what they're saying.

And today's desperate attempt at free publicity is (spins wheel) ... ramming a police cruiser and getting taken into custody. There may not have been alcohol involved, but I definitely suspect cynicism might have been. Then again, it got us to link it up, so I guess it worked.

Sorry lady, you're 2,000 years and one Jewish baby short for that excuse to work. Blasphemy? US??? Oh, hell, I'm a heathen. I don't even play by your rules...

Only in Florida: 10 year old boy drags 6 foot crocodile home with him. Nobody got hurt, not even the should-have-been handbag set.

While I, personally, was given an ingrained fear of all things motorcycle by my parents long ago, a few of my friends actually own the things and Ellen still wants one. For them, I figured this list of 6 things nobody tells you about owning a motorcycle might be interesting. I can state for a fact the thing about bugs goes for convertibles as well.

For yet another entry in the, "I'm surprised it's taken this long" file we have the Grillenium Falcon food truck. Bonus: It's located in the same town as my Alma-Mater, Fayetteville Arkansas. I'll call this one an "under the radar fail."

I'm not at all sure how many of these "unintentionally sexual church signs" are for-real, but I'm figuring they're not all fake. Which just makes it that much funnier. It definitely makes them more interesting than what's outside the Ballston Methodist church, that's for sure.

A German insurance company recently held an orgy to reward their most successful salesmen. Now that's what you call an incentive. Yes, I said incentive. Oh, stop giggling. And put some pants on.

I'm actually surprised a US news crew didn't try a stunt like this. You'd think there'd be nearly as many nerds on a German TV news crew as there would be here in the US. Then again, I wouldn't put this past any engineer who sick of the pretty people he or she is supporting.

Mark gets a no-prize that wants steak for bringing us this creative example of pet transportation. It'll be all good until some motorized rickshaw blunders into his path. Then again, I guess they're as safe as he is.

Conflict: we haz it...

Since it seems some of you were not his friend, we're happy to present Osama's last Facebook post. I'm pretty sure "like" isn't too strong a word for how we feel...

Why yes, we will link up Miley Cyrus covering 'Smells Like Teen Spirit,' and thank you for asking! It'd probably be better if she wasn't actually trying to hit the pitch, but I guess chicks just aren't strung together right to pull off growling in key.

It's really badass!

Sometimes there's just no improving it: In West Virginia news, a man, dressed in bra and panties and high on bath salts, kills his neighbors' goat. With helpful, SFW, picture of what someone like that would look like. Look, I always figured West Virginia could be a boring place, but I had no idea...

Observation: a dinky little reality show recently broadcast its second season's finale. Reviewer's conclusion: "Undercover Boss has, in effect, unwittingly endorsed the eradication of the middle class." No, really, that's what the dude wrote! Go for the smarmy, "I didn't spend a semester on Western Civ for nothing" review. Stay to watch the moonbats settle 'round his belfry and wave their red flags with abandon.

Hey, ya know those 24 packs are darned hard to run with! Why yes, it is a video of an idiot trying to make off with a case of beer and tasting pavement instead. I especially like how the getaway car had to sit and wait for traffic to clear. Smooth guys, real smooth.

Reviewer's take: "The Elite D6 is a surprisingly good player and one that delivers much more bang than I expected from a low-priced component. " MSRP: $700. Yes, folks, that's what the high end thinks is low priced. What? Well of course I want one. It's got such a low price!

(No, really, I actually do want one. Maybe I can pick one up used on E-bay...)

Everyone's favorite "Onion Turned Christian" website has asked a question to which we all want the answer: Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer's Testicles? These people have been at it for, what, ten years at least?

And now, a Steve Jobs encased in carbonite iPhone case. Thing is, I can absolutely see all the legions of Apple-heads say the same wistful, "I love you" line that Fisher did in the movie. I can also definitely see Jobs making the same reply that Ford's Solo made.

Alternative headline: Karma's a biatch, don't you know. Being the UK, I don't think the incident was kept quiet to protect the identities of the SAS men. I think it was kept quiet to ensure the nanny state's police didn't arrest them. Those criminals could've been seriously injured!

Alternative title: the smug is strong with this one. There's a problem with portraying a typically obscure state election as a referendum on the END OF THE... WORLD! Sometimes, especially when you're, you know, wrong, sometimes you lose.

Yep, I remember accidentally learning about how sex worked right around the 5th grade, and that was pretty much my reaction.

Deceit and Calumny! "Veg News has written tens (possibly hundreds) of articles extolling the virtues of a vegan lifestyle, while purchasing rock-bottom priced stock photos of MEAT, EGGS, DAIRY and other completely non-vegan things." Ok, look, your diet, your choice, hell I got no problem if you decide to eat nothing but Converse shoes for the rest of your life. But boy, if those response to pictures don't prove at least some veganism is more about politics and religion than it is about anything else, I'm not sure what will.

April 14, 1945: a skipper loses his submarine because of a malfunctioning toilet. Worse: it was a German U-boat! I thought those people knew how to engineer things!

My week so far.

No, not Olivia. Olivia's good. Ellen, not so much...

I wonder if they prefer business formal for the interview? See, I work with programmers. With very, and I mean very, few exceptions, I can't think of a nicer bunch of folks I'd never want to see naked.

I like this show too.

And now for the Serenading Unicorn.

Possibly one of the funniest sites I have visited in a long time.

If you have auto correct on your phone, this has happened to you.

Personally, I think it should be titled, Bill and Ted's Middle Aged Adventure. I guess Reeves must need a new deck on his house or something. This one smells so strongly of turkey I'm surprised it doesn't gobble.

Captain obvious in a dress: the Vatican is warning that the Internet promotes Satanism. I guess someone finally taught them how to log onto 4chan.

F- what Obama's birth certificate reveals about his eligibility for office. What's really needed is some insight into what can be done if he turns into a zombie. The Constitution even covers this contingency! What a document!

Thing is, I'm coming around to the idea these things are actually advertisements for iced coffee. Who knew?

I totally remember this product!

Mark gets a dangerously impractical no-prize for bringing us a bear of a man and his knife-flinging catapult. I dunno. Seems a little short-ranged for a good zombie fight.

Dilbert creator Scott Adams cracked a few jokes about chicks, and got the predictably considered, low-key response you'd expect from the usual suspects. Reminds me of how a cat reacts when you tease it. It also provides an amusing example of why most people continue teasing. It's funny precisely because they don't think it is.

All those things they said about MTV videos are true: they really do look like they were edited by a chimp. Me, I'd like to see a second video showing him actually doing the work, otherwise I'm calling shenanigans.

Mike J. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us an abject lesson as to why developers should develop, and HR departments should recruit. Funny thing is, my skill set is actually pretty close to what they're looking for. Except for that whole, "other side of the country" thing, that is.

Robert H. gets a no-prize that's almost believable for bringing us the live webcam from Sokoblovsky Farms, home of the petite lap giraffe. Really! No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Mark gets a no-prize he can collect as soon as he helps me figure out where my mom went. With a gun.

Actually, this innocent, if colorful, cartoon explaining the Fukushima crisis should probably be required viewing for any reporter assigned to the event. It is targeted at their education level, after all... (completely SFW)

Well, it's definitely a talent. And why the heck not, anyway? Just let the vid play until about the 1 minute mark, you'll see. And hear. Completely SFW.

Tea-hee!

And now, a look at what (seems to) pass for sophisticated wedding photography in Russia. I wonder if, since most of their creativity happens in a computer, those photographers are as pushy as the typical wedding photographer is here in the US?

Today's proof that most people turn to crime because they're too dumb to do anything else comes to us courtesy of a guy who actually provided his ID when a teller demanded it before giving him the cash he was there to rob. Bonus: he was on parole for previous violations.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll bark along to "Puttin' on the Ritz" for bringing us yet another example of a family sticking to its name no matter what the consequences. Bonus: stuffed-shirt "knees are too sharp" commenter shows up almost immediately.

Amidst all the doom and gloom in the world, why not ponder the case of the woman with a monkey in her bra? Article is SFW and includes candy-head-explosion-inducing picture of the tiny perp who violated more than a few courthouse rules.

No, Ellen, you can't have one...

Today's "Facebook is not your friend" story comes to us via a picture of a stolen ring. Ok, it's great they got their stuff back, but this strongly implies the victim and the perp were known to each other.

Robert H. gets a very silly no-prize for bringing us a "cereal" adaptation of The Last Supper. Get it? Get it? Cereal??? *TAP* *TAP* *TAP*... is this thing on?

Hysterical!! Especially if you have seen the reality show Toddlers in Tiaras.

And now, a baby spider monkey clinging to a plush version of mom. Ellen actually admitted that a s-tty little monkey was cute. Aaand everyone else...

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Mark gets the coveted "Rednecks International" no-prize for bringing us even more proof that "practicality to a fault" is not exclusive to the southern United States. Trailers definitely do exist for a reason.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that'll swallow quarters at an alarming rate for bringing us a look at how some logos resemble... other things (SFW) Heck, I'm not sure there are any more video games that take quarters. Even the ones at Chuckie's only take tokens.

The song is excellent. The "spelling optional" lyrics just add to the fun. Mark gets a no-prize painted blue that Ellen's ancestors will build a wall across a country to keep away from for bringing us this fine example of Scottish folk music.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that can only be put down with a well-placed shotgun blast for bringing us the latest in "decorative" flash drives. I'm genuinely amazed it's taken this long for someone to think of this. The potential for various forms of naughtiness alone boggle the mind.

No, Ron, you can't have one.

Looks like even Gadhafi's* hot blond has left him. Includes a picture of what a hot blond might look like if she were stuffed into a giant parka with no makeup on her face and sunglasses hiding her eyes. F'ing tards.

----
* Yes, I'm quite aware this is a different spelling. The spelling of Gadhafi's name in Latin characters has been a running gag in the media for at least twenty-five years now. I'm just going with whatever I find in the article I'm linking.

Coming to a dance floor near you: an enterprising Israeli has created a mash-up combining a rapper named "Pitbull" and... Qaddafi. The old wack-a-mole never has looked more entertaining.

Ahahahahahaahaha.... Silly newbie. The first hit is free!

Once you're hooked, you can't stop.

5 years from now, you'll have 7 different helis in different sizes and levels of repair. You'll have sold your house for parts, your partner will have left (but you won't have noticed) and you'll be quite pleased at the news you've just been fired from your job, as it means more flying time at the club field.

DO NOT MOCK THE TINY CHOPPER!

So saith one of my RC helicopter peeps, when someone else claimed they only wanted ONE little helicopter.

Ok, ladies, I'll go on record here to say it's not cars, it's not trucks, it's not sports, and it's none of YOU that brings the boy out of the man. It's very small radio controlled helicopters. There's a new model due out next week AND GROWN MEN ARE ADMITTING THEY CAN'T SLEEP WAITING FOR IT.

But not me.

My story, and me sticking to it, let me show you...

Ron gets a follow-up no-prize for bringing us a new hot link to that We Dare Wii game. Yeah, definitely want to wash the controllers before you start this one. And, you know, after you're done.

^Ew.

"A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read."
— Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)

On The Insider, Mr Bobbitt recalled his terror at waking to find his manhood missing. Miss Gallo recounted her own decision to throw the member into a field. 'You drove me to that,' she told him.

17 years later and we still talk about this!

Shades of WKRP intros: Congressman admits his behavior during the last election was, "inappropriate." Remember that ol' "picture worth a thousand words" line? Yeah, it's definitely SFW and definitely appropriate here. And why did I have to do a separate look up to find out he's a Democrat?

There's just so much hysterical win here.

And this is the liberal cartoonist's take on what's going on in Wisconsin. I like the one involving a Prius nearly as much. The last resort is to always bang the table. I think they're getting ready to find out what happens when the grownups get tired of the noise.

I got embarrassed just looking at this site.

Hello Banana hammocks!

This reminds me of at least... three... different people I know.

Two words: Homemade Implants. *SIGH* Ok, ladies, smack the husband once, and make him read the clarification... Homemade boob implants. Men appreciate boobs. Women's fascination with winkies is every bit as mysterious to us. And you all definitely play with them just as much when given the opportunity.

Oh yes, I did just say that.

Being a sysadmin for 14 years, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see myself in these "nine traits of veteran Unix admins" I'm definitely glad I don't have to do any of that anymore.

The best part is picking out which particular Valentine's day cliche you are. I'll give you mine for free, it's the first one. The people who don't think this is funny are exactly the people it's aimed at.

Ok, I get that huge swathes of the left hate Sarah Palin with a rage only those who obviously have our best interests at heart can muster. Many times I think this rage might torpedo any campaign, well, really anywhere, she may decide to run. Then one of the scions of the main stream media steps on its own crank, again, and suddenly I'm not so sure. With enemies like these, who needs paid publicity?

Nice to know dumb rednecks can be found all over the planet.

Well, that is what you do with them. So I've been told, at any rate. By certain other people. Best part of game shows for me has always been the spontaneous goof-ups.

I guess the thinking was, "they toss me about that high on the field, why not climb to the top of the stairs and try the same thing?" Something tells me she has nothing to worry about being groped by the guy on the right.

So, you've finally made it, and have the yacht in the exclusive marina to prove it. Then this guy shows up. Well, it's not like you can exactly sink it, you know? Wouldn't want to be caught out in a storm in that thing!

Guilty as charged. That said, my "jet" only weighs one ounce and probably tops out at 20 mph. Downhill. In a hurricane. And when I break it, the parts usually cost less than $5. Yes, it does help me sleep at night. Thanks for pointing that out.

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." -- Terry Pratchett

Ok, all those people who think I'm a paranoiac when it comes to environmental issues should take a look at what a real wacky guy writes about the environment. Go for the amusingly standard social conservative denial. Stay for the invocation of the Antichrist. No, really!

We've long known that if Jim Cantore shows up in our neighborhood to run like mad, because he always brings hurricanes. Now it looks like God himself may be trying to call the Stormbringer home. The storm that dropped the substantial snow around here last month also had a bit of thunder in it.

Ok, I'll concede that Reuters is at least being up-front about their bias. Yeah, I know, Bush had a few of these too. I just don't remember seeing any of them at the time.

Robert H. gets a classic cross-and-serpent no-prize for bringing us a self-propelled look at the future of advertising. Another example of "that works fine in a polite place, but it'd last exactly twenty seconds over here."

Fark headline of our week: Obamacare to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Is it 2012 yet? I want grownups in charge of everything, please.

CNN is carrying this brief look at Idiot Abroad, Science Channel's new breakout hit. I can't remember if it was me or Ellen who put this one on season pass, but it's now one of our "must watch" shows. Hilarious and pretty much the opposite of romantic, it definitely has provided a decidedly different take on what a travel show can be.

Sometimes karma and Darwin rush together, like when a woman's suicide belt gets set off early because of a "happy holidays" text to her phone. Proof positive that Ellen and Amber could never pull something like this off, either.

Giant RC Heli: 1, Small styrofoam aircraft: 0. Hopefully he paid for the replacement.

Glenn Reynolds: "Hey, remember when the Obamanauts were calling McCain McSame — because they couldn’t imagine anything worse than a President who would continue the Bush policies on war and taxes? Heh."

Indeed.

Jon Stewart veers suddenly centrist as he makes fun of, and scores points on, the Representative from Tennessee. When centrist liberals start calling out their own side, you know something interesting is going on. Especially when they're this funny.

Remember that insanely catchy tune with the raunchy lyrics? turns out it's just as funny when performed in sign language. It was tough, remembering all those different sign language swear words, but I persevered. I'm classy that way.

Mark gets a no-prize that'll clean out the nearest grocery store's stock of toilet paper, milk, and bread for bringing us a weather report anyone who was around here last February can relate to. Even better is how little snow is actually still there. I thought Virginians were useless in snow. Not compared to Atlanta!

"Oh dear, I'm feeling political today. It's just that it's dawned on me that 'zero tolerance' only seems to mean putting extra police in poor, run-down areas, and not in the Stock Exchange."

-- Terry Pratchett

Remember, folks, they're from the government, and they're here to help. Yes, I'm sure there are representatives dumber than Ms. Jackson Lee, and (now that there are more R's than D's), we'll start hearing from them more often. It's the law of averages combined with a conscious sampling error, not some sort of real indicator of intelligence.

Ten, fifteen years ago, a newspaper and a politician could work together to craft a narrative for the now, for the moment, using current events to leverage political power and public opinion without any reference to what happened in the past. No more. Now, tell me again, how there's no such thing as the "liberal media," and Fox News is the real enemy.

Via Instapundit.

British people have the oddest sense of humor. Especially if you are getting dumped LIVE on the radio.

Japan is making a run at taking back the "World's Weirdest Asian Country" prize from China by introducing a new urinal-based video game. Yep, you read that one right, "a pressure sensor located on the back of the urinal to measure the strength and location of your urine stream. A small LCD screen above the urinal allows you to play several simple video games including a simulator for erasing graffiti and a variation on a sumo wrestling match."

There's just no way to make this stuff up, people!

Fark's headline of the year contest is definitely worth a look. Don't believe me? How about Coup succeeds in detaining Niger president, exciting teabaggers who misread the headline.

Wow. I didn't know that much milk could come out of a nose.

They told me if I voted Republican the president would increase the carbon footprint of the White House, and they were right!! If the L.A. Times is starting to turn against Obama... well, no, nevermind. This is more easily explained as taking a few easy shots before they knuckle down to the job of getting him re-elected.

Via Instapundit.

Remember, folks, it's not the facts that get reported, it's what moves magazines off the stand that gets reported.

Via Powerline.

As God is my witness, I actually, genuinely like this song. If nerdy Asian guys can do hip-hop, hell anybody can do hip-hop. I'm not even sure I know what a "slizzard" is.

Turns out PC gamers really are a breed apart. No thanks, I've already got the gold oak leaf clusters on my "Nerd" merit badge.

Those clever Israelis! Not content with controlling (shakes the 8 ball of JOOOS!!!) rrrm... Hollywood, they've now been spotted using the F-35 operationally. If it appears on a news site, it's bound to be true!

And in today's, "dude, you really get paid to do this?" file, we have a research project that has determined the brains of politically conservative people have larger "fear centers" than liberals. Since my side of the gallery spends most our time keeping the left side of the gallery from driving us all into a wall, well, yes, we tend to respond to fear more than their side does. It's conditioning, not genetics.

Two words: belted sweaters. The letters next to each guy mean they must've been in a catalog at some time, somewhere. I was busy ogling the chicks in the underwear ads, so I never noticed. And, dude, check out that pimp hat!

Super-tight jeans, for men? It's more likely than you think. On the one hand, it's nice to hear a fashion trend I liked from my youth making a comeback. On the other, leave it to the 21st century to include The Wrong People in it.

Yet another funny site that is based on unwanted gifts.

Ok, I get it. For every dangerously useless government bureaucrat I find under the rocks on the left side of the peanut gallery, you'll find dangerously useless lawyers on the right side. Hey, here's a thought! Let's put the libertarians in charge! They want to take over the government so they can leave you alone!

Oh, Earth, how can I destroy you, let me count the ways. A rite of passage in science fiction circles seems to be at least one apocalyptic novel, so I'm surprisingly familiar with, well, all the methods listed here.

Those ...those ...gay! (color wands galore!) people...CLEVER!

Crazy teenage lesbians. I wonder what Disney is thinking about this?

Ya think!?

Apparently we are not allowed to do this to our yard for Halloween this year.

Ah, well, it looks like Ellen's dream to draft Amber so they can be the only people running after a storm just got a lot more crowded. The last season of Storm Chasers prominently featured scenes that depicted how crowded the, well, I guess for some it's an occupation, has become. Still, the crowds were unusual, and most of the time the guys in the show really did seem to be all on their own. Which, of course, won't stop them from biatching when "commoners" get in their way.

At first I was like, dude. Then when he rolled it out of the garage, I was like, dude. It's often said, "to increase speed, add lightness." Leave it to a German to take that maxim and run it right out the other side of lunacy.

An auction link, so check it while you can: Feast your eyes on what was once, briefly, the most expensive production car in the world. As of, as I recall, 1982. If inflation calculators are to be believed, it would be priced right around $265k nowadays. All of those people who make fun of Ellen's goofy box of an Italian sedan are pleased to be sitting down and shutting their trap now.

It seems the guy who's built a career out of being an annoying idiot has finally posted an upskirt too far. Powerful people have been hunting around for an excuse to muzzle this nattering nabob for years. As so often happens in these cases, I'm not sure anyone counted on him providing the lever himself.

Oh, and let's all hope this teaches Miley, and the rest of them, that miniskirts make panties mandatory, eh?

The noise the South Africans are making with their cheap plastic horns is so annoying the BBC is exploring electronic filters. I happened to be in a restaurant last Friday that had the world cup on, and I can definitely attest to how annoying that din really is. I at first thought there was something wrong with the TV.

Headline says it all: Smash and Grab Fails When Burglar Hits Self with Rock.

A British soap opera actress was recently told her boobs were too big for HD. The kicker? She's a quite-well-preserved 52 year-old who's character has been on the show for more than twenty years. With picture!

Jeff gets a no-prize that's not a g-d teenager, ok??? for bringing us A preview of Ralph Macchio's latest project. Not sure if that's actually his wife or not, but if she is, well done sir. Well done.

Ellen and Amber, let me show you them...

Well, except for the snake. They both like snakes.

Mike J. gets a no-prize that can't get up for bringing us a bit of fluff that shows what a modern browser is capable of. Yes, yes, I know, but, like the great man said, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

When you see one loopy Japanese teen it seems that maybe they can be individuals after all. It's when you see pictures of dozens of them that you realize well, maybe not. Note: Main pictures are fine but some of the ads are quite NSFW.

I've often wondered what would happen if a car hit one of those toll booth dividers I regularly drive past every day. Thanks to some chick in the Ft. Worth area, I no longer have to wonder. And alcohol may have been involved? You don't say.

I'm pretty sure half the audience was expecting Lost to actually end this way. I never got into the program, so I'm just going on the basic amusement value of this. Others may get a better chuckle from it than I did.

Ron gets a no-prize that's just not right for bringing us Retarded Policeman #9. The thing is, this is what goes on in the minds of most regular guys. Oh yeah right, like chicks don't take advantage of it.

Any time a guy has a pile of brush and a gasoline can, you know something dumb is about to happen. Kya-boom!

Mike J. gets a very puzzling no-prize for bringing us a rather curiously labeled door. Years ago the Chevy dealership in the town I grew up in had a sign on its main garage door that read something like, "if this door is down honk your horn and Larry will open it." I always wondered what would happen if Larry called in sick that day.

I can think of nothing more discouraging than to set off an explosion so righteous it levels the bank, only to see the obstinately intact ATM bounding away down the street. Leave it to the Germans to take an interesting idea and add so many moving parts to it a failure is nearly as interesting as a success.

As someone who's spent years discarding wonderful photos because of the stupid f--- in the back, it's nice to see I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets to check the background when he pulls the trigger. I only wish my goofs were that amusing.

Nothing quite like 25 pictures of just how destructive kids can be to put your little hurricane-in-keds in perspective. Bonus: two of Olivia's greatest hits are depicted. I know teenagers have a deservedly worse reputation, but, far as I'm concerned, I definitely don't miss the days when cheese puffs were a weapon of mass electronics destruction.

Ellen! Ellen! Look! This must be what they were like when they were teenagers! No boobies or winkies, but definitely NSFW nonetheless. But damned funny.

Leave it to standard poodle owners to take something as basic as a trim and ram it right out the other side of ridiculous. Ellen does some of these sorts of things to long-hair cats, but she doesn't use dye. Yet.

It looks like even the legendary car manufacturer Volvo is not immune to the occasional demo failure. The more you complicate the plumbing, etc.

I need one of these. Not for me. Him.

My story, sticking to it.

I'm actually a little surprised I hadn't heard of the weatherman gaffe until now.

Pat gets a no-prize that'll threaten to stop the car if we don't all settle down for bringing us a mother bear "rescuing" her cub. Me, I think it was less a rescue and more an example of the lengths parents will go to get their kids to shut the heck up.

“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my muffin.” So did Betty White introduce her delicacy on “Delicious Dish,”

I am sad I forgot about this!

One of the less often noted features of pop music is its amazing flexibility. Hopefully the guy won't get busted for violating copyright or licensing. Yeah, it's a parody, but when's the last time that stopped the RIAA?

Me: "Ellen, you gotta see this."

Ellen: "The upside down kid is the best... Oh, god, the upside down one... and this one's using the wrong finger... and naked photos..."

It appears that yesterdays market chaos was caused by a trader entering "b" for billions instead of "m" for millions. These sorts of errors are possible often because it never occurs to the developers that someone would be that dumb. Unfortunately, they all too often are.

I'll see your "OMFG! We want your money and you won't give it to us BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!" politicians and raise you a governor who's been abducted by freaking ALIENS. There's progressive, and then there's progressive.

I WANT TO BELIEVE!

Yeah, well, no excuses: Republican senator busted looking at porn on the Senate floor. The question for the day is, are Democrats avoiding getting busted on these things because they're just that virtuous, or because they're not smart enough to actually point the web browser at the right site?

I'm sure you've already guessed my answer.

Sometimes it takes a few jokes to bring home how awful a place can be. Unfortunately people living in communist regimes have been telling jokes like this all the way back to the days of Lenin. Professors still think it's a viable system of government.

So, well, do you??? Those of you who liked "Dorkness Rising" would do well to find season 1 of The Guild. Unlike Dorkness, they've announced season 4 of The Guild. Available on DVD and Netflix streaming!

Gamers are professional paranoiacs because there really is someone out to get us, and the game master gets to bend the rules to do it.

The fact we can even attempt to compare Social Security with Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme speaks volumes. I've long considered my Social Security contributions as an expensive tax, money I'll never see again. I can state with full confidence that if I'd been given all that money as vouchers meant for tax-deferred accounts my personal retirement portfolio would be far more impressive than it already is.

But no, can't have that. We can't trust you with the money you made! If we just give you that money back who knows what you'll spend it on?

Power Point presentations have been identified as the next enemy the Pentagon must conquer. The folks at my old workplace were generally not competent enough to actually sew one together. At my new workplace, I'm either too far down the food chain to see one, or everyone's too busy to really mess with them. At any rate, the ones I have seen were mercifully restricted to just one or two slides.

Other folks, with other jobs, likely have a different experience. They'll probably find the article even funnier than I did.

Trust me, the only real difference between the inside of this car and mine is the language. Alternate title: a quick lesson in how to swear in Italian.

When posting rants about one's wife, the first advice is to not do it. If one must, one is advised to do so in a forum she does not frequent. Ignore this advice at your peril (post 1, then post 44). It's fun to rant. It's not fun to do it where a permanent record is left behind.

Of course, that assumes the thing isn't some giant hoax. No promises, no wagering.

That would be Octopus: 1, Cameraman: 0. Alien, but smart!

The best part... the best part, is the people who sincerely believe adultery causes earthquakes are ignorant, while the people who sincerely believe global warming causes earthquakes are scientists. I'm laughing at you precisely because you don't think this is funny.

Now that's a typo: "It is a tiny misprint, but an Australian publisher had to pulp a cookbook after one recipe called for "salt and freshly ground black people" to be added to the dish, AFP reported Saturday." I think we now have the answer to, "what's the sound of one proofreader getting sacked?"

I'm suspicious, because the video is just so perfect, but I still LOL'd at this skateboard fail. Note to the squeamish: does not involve blood or broken bones. But it probably should've.

Coming to a Target near you: licensed pop culture images on men's underwear. Surprisingly, I do not actually have underwear with the cross-and-serpent on it. And, personally, I'm fine with that.

Two words: Bacon AT-AT. Or is that three? Is AT-AT even a word? Oh who knows, I'm sure it violates a license or two. And soooo tasty...

I'm not sure why a giant collection of storm trooper pictures is entertaining, but it is. Probably has something to do with all the pollen in the air, that sort of thing.

Because if it was, it would've been Ellen who got a Droid, not me. It does sometimes seem the dratted little thing is omnipotent. But it's only a perception.

Berkeley, CA would like to remind everyone Florida has not completely stolen the Golden State's "wtf is wrong with you?" title. Georgetown's singular homeless man was given a tent so he could camp wherever he wanted in the city. I'm not at all sure if he's still around, thought.

How Zombie-fan Joshua missed out on brain cupcakes is beyond me. Red velvet cake: the utlimate freak-you-out baking good.

We heard about the guy who "blinged up" his bald head on the radio yesterday morning. Now we know what that looks like. An Englishman, being eccentric. Ya don't say...

I'm not at all sure if this supposed creative writing exercise is for real, but it sure is funny. A radical right sci-fi nerd getting yoked to a vapidly leftist emo chick? What's not to love?

Occasionally a Fark headline really does make me laugh out loud. When that happens, I think it's worth memorializing: Military commanders in Afghanistan have found that rather than a verbal apology to tribal leaders, the preferred way to ask forgiveness is to give them New Zealand supermodels. Now that's the wrong sort of animalympics right there, son.

Actually, a couple of these Star-Wars based costumes aren't that bad. And, trust me on this one, they saved the best for last.

Deepak Chopra seems to have taken the meditation equivalent of a massive dump, and the results were about what he would expect. Problems with causality would seem to not be a monopoly of the religious right after all.

Just because it's obvious doesn't mean it's not worth repeating: you should always use the cheapest HDMI cables you can find. Click the graphic to make it enlarge. Lamp cord for speakers, good quality RCA cables, and cheap HDMI. Interconnects, for the rest of us!

Ahem... ~some body TOOOOOOOOOOOO... LUUUUHhuhuhuhohohuvvvv.~ We especially like the couple with the assault rifle and the parrot.

Annie gets an obstinately silly no-prize for bringing us news that an advocacy group is lobbying to have the Washington Monument moved 300 feet to the left. Why? Because that's where L'Enfant intended it to go, that's why!

Now, I understand that island nations have lots of problems specific to their situation. That said, I'm pretty sure one of them capsizing due to overpopulation isn't on that list.

"Well now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise..."

And yes, I realize he's got some weird medical condition making him act this way. If I had a medical condition that made me act that way I would not have any job, let alone one that allows me to tinker with a whole country.

I'll see your be-winged, be-striped, beknighted rice truck and raise you one dragon. Or "Dagron", as the case may be. Ya know, the defining feature of a riced-out Honda is its base is quite cheap. The Corvette is expensive, even when it's a couple of years old. Ah well. His car, his money, his fun. And mine too, since I get to point and laugh at it.

Compensating for "visa-versa?" Why whatever do you mean?

This time I'm including the lyrics because, while the kids are cute, it's a little hard to understand what they're singing. If it gets kids interested in music, I'm all for it!

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.

And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.

Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.

I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)

Damion gets a no-prize that's stone-dead reliable, but only to a point, for bringing us this abject lesson in why race car engineers get paid for what they do.

You'll have this song in your head the rest of the day...

Dang it, they need to come out with v2.0. It's been, what, three years at least?

Ron gets a no-prize he can hurl down at the wayward people when he returns from the mountain for bringing us The Gospel According to John [Moses Browning]. The only bad things I've consistently read about the 1911 was its weight and its kick. I guess that's why they're still so popular after all these years.

Ron T. gets a no-prize that'll impress the ladies in the past again for bringing us the best hard-core nerd headline fail of the year. So far. In the past. Or was it, again?

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll just have to take our word about for bringing us this abject lesson in economic theory. The best part will be the folks on the left side of the peanut gallery will who see injustice and calumny as the lesson to be learned. More's the pity.

Bris?, Seder? Search for Sarah Conner? It's all good. Your mother wants you to visit her. You have fifteen seconds to comply.

Event: a rich association out-bids a different, slightly less rich association for a prime hotel because someone wasn't paying attention to who was going to be in town that weekend.

Result: ZOMG!!1!!ELVENTY!!! ALGORE IS GOING TO KILL COMICON!!!

I watched a non-profit schedule their annual meeting for 14 years. Getting outbid happens. This reaction? Comic book guy would be so proud...

ZOMG!!1!1ONE!1 Google's gonna take over teh hole wurld!!!

Mike J. gets the coveted "tin foil hat" no-prize for bringing us proof that no matter how hard you try to please people, there's definitely going to be someone out there who'll go all Chicken Little on you for trying.

Being a professional graphic artist sometimes just means everyone gets to see your mistakes. Some of them are a little subtle but others...

Now, I'm not at all sure if all of these broadcast news "fails" are legit, but most of them sure seem to be. Looks like a combination of "durpdurpdurp", "it's my last day f'it" to me.

Sometimes there's no improving the Fark headline: I have no idea what you're talking about so here's a picture of an alpaca surfing off the coast of Peru. No, really.

Sorta reminds me of a really retarded-looking cat. I guess it's the pissed off look I'm recognizing.

That's No Angry Mob, that's My Mother. If my own mom hadn't blown out her knees years ago, I'm just about certain she'd be right up there carrying a sign. Heck, I'd lend Olivia to her to hold another, just for the cuteness effect.

Hey, it's definitely more interesting than the local news in our town!

I live in DC! What do you want!?

Mike J. gets a grimly amused no-prize for bringin us this "oddly specific" graveyard sign. No, Ellen, you can't have it.

Leave it to the Top Gear crew to resoundingly call out people with too much time on their hands and far too many crayons in their box. The pictures are scary. The captions are a scream.

Is it a rickroll from 1976? A clever recreation of something that might have come from the 70s? A commercial for "Bob" that went horribly wrong somehow? You decide. Yeah, it's been making the rounds, but I hadn't seen it. Therefore nobody important had seen it either, until now.

Amber got Ellen these ridiculously fuzzy house shoes for Christmas. Now I know who "harvested" them. Go for the picture, stay for the goofy gamer quote at the bottom of the entry.

I have no idea what to make of this. But I like it! Oink oink oink...

No, not Olivia's. This is what's called a "representative sample."

Yeah I know, been making the rounds, but I thought this set of "truth in movie posters" was funnier than most. Maybe because, for once, I've actually seen several on the list?

And it's a nice thought, too. In a weird and twisted way, but still nice.

And now to give Ron and Amber horrific Jersey flash-backs. Some of these I'd seen before, others were quite new. It's my understanding this sort of... behavior... is less a "whole" New Jersey thing and more a "north NJ / East Long Island" sort of thing. None of my in-laws who live in the area look like this, but I bet they know people who do.

Nothing like people who don't even have English as a second language to really get creative with the bootleg merchandise. I think Fox should license those Simpson knock-offs and sell them here as legit. That sort of loopiness just dovetails so nicely with the actual series.

He says it's known as the Dry Gulch chupacabra, after the legendary animal that supposedly sucks the blood of goats.

Really? Goats? This one was found in a trap with a slice of apple.

Mark gets a no-prize don' do nothin' but talk some sense for bringing us this lesson in why it's best to just leave old white people alone. Personally I just want to get my rear home when I'm on the bus. I imagine that's what the old man wanted too.

Update: Some local radio station found the principals, and interviewed them.

Needless to say, the homebound bovines cause "total chaos," upending furniture, scattering belongings, and generally making a mess of things.

It's not every day that you get guest like these.

Fun thing is, we've been to Murfreesburo digging for diamonds! The little water park at the diamond mine was fun too!

Now wait a darned second, I thought Colorado Springs was a bastion of limousine liberals? A case of me getting my cities messed up, or yet another example of progressives making sure the little people are not led astray? Meh, probably the former, but it'd be funnier if it was the latter.

And now, the largest lightsaber battle ever filmed. In Bristol. No, not the planet, the town. I'm not even sure there is a planet Bristol. Oh, God, now I'm doing it too...

One of the unexpected perqs of my previous job was the deliriously loopy phone messages I would sometimes find in my voice mail. Sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were incoherent, usually they were harmless but entertaining. The effort put into them was occasionally impressive, as was the time when every single person in the organization got the exact same 3 minute message, a message obviously NOT written down but memorized exactly, five times in a row. We later figured he started at about 8 pm and finished up some time after 3 am the next morning.

At any rate, I got one that was so loopy and yet so characteristic I captured it. You can listen to the redacted version here. Apologies for all the ads, if there's a better host let me know. Enjoy the quirkiness of what wobbling off one's meds actually sounds like.

No matter how many times you see these, they will always make you laugh.

Wheee!!

Now, personally I'd include a few articles about cars, but otherwise these examples of how men would write women's magazines is bang-on. You know, as it were...

Brent B. gets a very instructive no-prize for showing us what a simple Google search can reveal. Which Ron never even thought of. @Ron: Son, I am disappoint.

Ever wonder what would happen to a laptop if you submerged it in liquid nitrogen? Wonder no more. Two observations: a jerk-off who does something unexpected is still a jerk-off, and does that guy look like Egon or what?

Sorry the vid is grainy! It has grease on it. *Scott*

Remember when mom said to never put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow? That's because she didn't think she needed to tell you not to put flaming crap there too.

Because we all know Ellen's much smarter than that.

Leave it to the Onion to just, out of nowhere, completely skewer "the NASA way." Oh don't worry, it's not mean. But it is appropriate. NASA-friend Kevin, you have been warned.

No, really, when pelicans attack! In this case, a weatherman who screams like a girl. Buck up, man, it's just a goofy bird!

How cute is this!?

I need one!

To this day I haven't found one of those Hitler parodies unfunny. This one is no exception. This marks the second time this re-worded rant matched exactly what I picture going on in the head of one of the people sitting in the extreme left of the peanut gallery.

Hey, if you can't post a huge website dedicated to a tired, old inside joke about British cars, what's the point of having it? Italian wiring has a good reputation for reliability, as long as you realize the wiring diagram is more of a suggestion than an actual, you know, tool. They make this stuff for computer circuits too, but in smaller, more expensive containers.

Think of it as an update to the piña colada song, only with a more realistic ending. I don't have to worry about something like that, because a baseball bat cocking backward behind my head doesn't make a noise.

Mark Ron gets a no-prize that'll keep him warm at night for bringing us yet another quirky Japanese interpretation of a mundane bit of camping gear. Honestly, I got nothing for this one.

Cameraman takes a spill on the ice from our recent storm.

Note how the reporter keeps going. *snicker*

Mark and Ron share a no-prize that's willing to sacrifice for the right thing for bringing us this viral bit of advertising. It's a little long for a Super Bowl ad, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a 30-second version this weekend.

Hey, trust me, it's an emergency of epic proportions around here too: woman arrested for dialing 9-1-1 repeatedly after losing her cellphone. Eerily Ellen-like denouement: it was found in her jacket while police were searching her. If my wife looked at me like she looked at her phone...

Nice to see our side has theatrical wackos too. Oh, shut up. Your side got to do crazy crap like that for the past eight years. Our turn now...

US TV news isn't quite as formulaic. Oh, who am I kidding? We just have a different formula on this side of the pond.

Mark gets a no-prize that makes the dolphin noise for bringing us this silly little bit of fluff.

I guess tattoo artists don't have the advantage of that red squiggly line you get in a word processor. Some of Ellen's ink looks mis-spelled, but that's because it's in Latin. How do I know it's spelled correctly then? Well, Mark (who wrote it out) is still breathing, right?

WIN!

NOTE: This is not one of those "giant loud scream at the end" practical jokes, so no worries there. I especially liked his tiny helper's advice at the end.

Ron gets a gold-plated no-prize for bringing us proof that poor taste knows no color nor national boundary. I think it also just might stand as the signal example of, "if you spend enough money on it, any damned thing can be made to look good." C.f. "Spelling, Tori."

These things just never stop being funny. Well, to me anyway.

Who doesn't like a dress with pom-poms on it!

Three words: Star Wars Disco. 70s Star Wars Disco. 70s, French Star Wars Disco. My brother and I almost wore a hole in a copy of that disco single when it was new. In our defense, I was 9 and he was 7.

Hey, man, scaring the crap out of you as you do your death-defying bungee jump is just what friends are for. I know my friends very well. That's why they'll all be in the next county if I ever try a stunt like this. Kevin and Ron will have to be, I dunno, on Mars or something.

Two words: Cleavage caddie. Like I need another excuse to go rummaging around in there...

Death. Metal. Chicken.

That's about what it sounds like to me, too.

This winter is so cold... [HOW COLD IS IT?!?] ... it's so cold, it renders sea turtles unconscious. Bonus: it's happening in Texas.

By rights, this is a giant trap about to snap into the hottest summer in decades. But I'm not betting money on it.

Nothing like a few really choice TV news bloopers to start your Friday off right. Includes the infamous, "keep f-ing that chicken" clip that Stern kept playing late last year. In that one, the look on the lady on the left's face is priceless.

This website is OLD and RICKETY and a pain in the ass to update.. so you get the SAME story from 2 ppl on this site... FACELIFT needed here!

It turns out George Lucas really does have a sense of humor. I know, I know. It just seems like the very few interviews he seems to give mostly involve him patiently putting up with the reporter. Well, yes, he does that here too, but at least laughs at the end.

Nothing like a bored roommate with access to gay porn to ruin your whole day (SFW). Lemme tell you, one of my family members does that to my electronics, There Would be a Reckoning. And that's only if I got to them first. When Ellen handles things, people just don't show up to work the next day. Or ever.

Fark just announced the winners of its "Best Headlines of 2009", and they really are that special. Yeah, it's a cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo, but it's my cage full of shrieking chimps flinging poo. Unlike Face the Nation, at least these chimps are funny. About as useful, too.

Just gotta watch the back-stop, I guess. Mark gets a no-prize that'll he can charge his fellow re-enactors to use for bringing us this great example of "adapt and re-use."

Update: Now with "video that works" goodness!

When A Gramma gets something into her head, it would take nothing short of a crowbar to get it out. The best part is, neither Ellen nor her mother think this lady has much of an accent.

Nothing quite like someone goofing on Garfield. What? Are you kidding? Ok, here's a hint: my wife and Amber give each other framed pictures of their cats for Christmas, and they aren't joking. I never, ever yell at our cats, especially when Ellen's not around. Yep, that's right.

The sad part is, this is only a little exaggerated. One of my favorites: "On the environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns."

And now, a guy with a blowtorch in his ass. Hey, folks, we know you come here for high brow discussions and fine culture, and we aim to please! Stay classy, AMCG!

I'm sorry, there's just something about a redneck fisherman messing up that never stops being funny. Probably has something to do with his being from Tennessee.

And now, a platinum and diamond vibrator. Yeah, can't see that one heading our way for Christmas any time soon. Seems to me it'd be likely to chafe.

Via, of all places, Instapundit.

Let the Tiger Woods parodies...begin!!! Video is naughty but contains no nudity and, wtf, it's Friday afternoon. Knock yourself out!

First Saturday Night Live, now The Daily Show. The trouble with being funny while making a point is the point sticks a lot better. Well, I guess it's only trouble if the point is toward you.

One thing you can always count on the Democrats for is eating their own children. It took me reading it in three places to realize this really is Code Pink going after the sitting president.

I can remember when there were only 2 other wireless networks detectable in our neighborhood. Recently I had reason to do another scan and there must've been 20. None had names as memorable as this. That sound you hear is Ron furiously scribbling ideas for his, once he gets it.

Idea: Compare how men who watch porn compare with those who don't. Problem: Finding someone, anyone, who can make up the latter group. Sometimes even when the experiment fails to get off the ground it can still tell you something.

Mike J. gets a no-prize he'll have to protect from the monks when they come boiling out of Hagia Irene tonight* for bringing us this oh-so-subtle bit of symbolism during a recent Obama press conference. It can't possibly be an accident. I'm just amazed the editor had the balls to run the picture anyway.

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Oh, go look it up yourself this time.

While I was never (often) like this, I can think of several dozen guys who were. When they were done messing up text games they'd usually head over to the chat rooms.

You know, chat rooms? They were like IM, but with more nerds and creeps.

Latest "best of" Fark headline: Rockville Police shoot Jesus. Awwwwwkwaaaaaard. Actual story, with "no, that really is the headline" goodness is here.

Update: Comment bonus:

What do you call a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A guy who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Also: What is the the difference between apathy and agnosticism?

I don't know, and I don't care.

I always knew the Twilight saga could be summed up in a single sentence, I just didn't know it'd be this funny. Then again, this is Hollywood. I'm pretty sure simple is required, if only to help the executives.

Nothing like a bit of humor to really skewer a sacred cow. Cue the shrieking watermelon response!

See, I'm such a terrible Star Wars nerd it actually bothers me that some of these updates aren't really possible. You know, in a plot-consistent sort of way.

Oh, no, thanks but Ellen gives me a, "needs to get out more" sign at least once a week.

... it's not stupid. Alternatively: "I care not what color the cat is, as long as it catches mice." That said, it still looks like something Olivia would bring home after school

Go for the excellent extended parody. Stay for the huffy, "yes, but Bush..." comments. Eventually these people will have to move on, but I'm not holding my breath.

The only minority less likely to die in a haunted house than black people are gamers. Because it'd take us three days of testing and spell casting before we'd set foot in the yard. F'ing ghosts would throw rocks at us to make us go away.

Ah, I get it now. I get it. Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, that Beck guy I've never actually seen but sure seems to get the left side of the peanut gallery riled up, I now see the truth about those horrible, evil people! Now I understand why everyone on that side takes the sports caster with the thick glasses so damned seriously.

Well, then again...