I need help? I need help?!? I don't need help... this guy needs help. Even I have to draw the line somewhere, and having a coffee table that leaks oil on my floor is somewhere on the far side of it.

Still, that wall decoration wouldn't look any worse than what Ellen has up. Probably improve it. Hmm...

"Daddy, you have to be careful not to drink green water. It's poisonous."

"What happens if you drink poison?"

"You turn into a coyote. But only for two weeks. Then you turn into a vampire. Then it gets REALLY bad."

Moar here...

We stood around Olivia in winter jackets while she enjoyed Mark's outdoor hot tub.

Look what I found!!!

We couldn't find a tire pressure placard on the car itself, so this morning I had Ellen fish the owners manual & paperwork out of its hidey-hole on the parcel shelf behind the rear seats. No, really, that's where Alfa put it! Anyway, this afternoon, waiting for Ellen to gather Olivia out of Tai Kwon Do, I got bored and started digging around, and found this! Yep, that's the Holy Grail of classic car nut-dom, the Original Window Sticker. And get this, the car was originally sold in Rapid City South Dakota!

In other news, there was once an Alfa Romeo dealership in Rapid City, South Dakota.

1988 Price: 21,150. Adjusted for inflation: $40,010.

I found a few other things that seem to indicate the car sat in a dealership for four years before being sold. Carfax's report was nothing like this, which makes me seriously call into question that service's accuracy, at least in the early years.

Ain't classic car ownership grand? :)

Looking for ET? AMCGLTD is here to help! I'm not surprised the area off San Diego is a "hotspot." I am a little puzzled why Chicago should have so many damned sightings. Maybe ET likes deep-dish?

Today's "uppity Italian sedan staying with cars it should instead be worshiping" is brought to you by Laguna Seca raceway. Special guest star: an Acura NSX. Race starts at 3:50, the fun starts at 11:50.

Little octopus: 1, aquarium staff: 0:

Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium in California say the trickster who flooded their offices with sea water was armed. Eight-armed, to be exact.

Damned clever, yer garden variety octopus. No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Pat gets a tweedy no-prize for bringing us a rebuttal on a rebuttal to a climate change op-ed George Will published a few days ago. While wordy, I've always enjoyed this sort of slow-motion print flame war. Reminds me of my usenet days, stuck in treacle.

No way... two kids and $175 for a cockatoo? Highway robbery, that is!

Now, if they're talking about that 164Q4 we linked up a few days ago... well, I don't have two kids, but I do have one, a parrot, three incontinent cats, and a high-maintenance belly dancer. Will that do?

No?

Philistines...

Mark gets a no-prize that wants a cracker for bringing us yet another case of people turning to a life of crime because they're too stupid to do anything else.

And they weren't even her kids!

More is here...

The Tunstall pub called the Ancient Briton, now a derelict site after it was targeted by arsonists, was thought to be HAUNTED.

Mr Bundy, who has hung on to the footage for three years, said: "One previous landlord told a local his young son used to talk to 'another little boy'.

"And one tenant's child spoke of a COWBOY who used to pick-up his socks."

Remind me to visit that pub.

They have shampoos for this.

For me, there's nothing wrong with 17,000 square foot of cave-house. Ellen's enchanted with big, open windows all over the place, A/C bill bedamned, so I'm not so sure about her preference. Oh, and I don't see an obvious garage, so that might be a deal breaker right there.

Hey, a man's gotta have priorities!

It would seem the future is now, at least where designer babies are concerned.

To ensure my child is not afflicted by some horrible, life-ending genetic problem? Sure! To make sure it's a certain type, with a specific eye color? Bah. When they come up with a check for, "learns 'get daddy a beer'" faster, maybe I'll call.

Nothing like finding out your girlfriend of 7 years has been a prostitute all this time to start the day. Since it is the 21st century, they do of course have children.

The Chrysler-Fiat deal continues to wobble its way forward, seemingly on press releases alone. The Italians are worried their tax dollars will somehow end up in Chrysler's accounts, while unions "concerned parties" are trying to torpedo the deal on this side of the Atlantic to keep American tax dollars ending up in Fiat's accounts.

To which I can only say, "where's my damned new Alfa at, anyway?"

Pat gets a no-prize that'll explode with candy for bringing us the latest in stupid-cute-baby-animal videos. Which just goes to show mammal babies are the same everywhere. I know from experience a baby bird would have absolutely nothing to do with either of them. Well, except squawk at them, that is.

Remember that "Darth Vader" ship that made the rounds on all those 90s tech shows? You want it?

Of course, the Navy is justifiably famous for placing unending rules and regulations about the "who, what, and how" of taking one of their now-obsolete babies. They also don't pay for anything. So I'm not expecting this one tied up to the dock of anyone I know, any time soon.

I'm not sure there's enough trouble in the world to describe what I'd be in if this followed me home (auction link, "moar pix" are here...) That said, if all my goofy ravings have given you a virtual bite on the head*, well, this is definitely one helluva piece of zombie food. When new, I think they were ~ $40k. I do not know but suspect the reserve will be somewhere around half that.

Oh shaddup, and start breathing again. It's a Q4!!! AWD, FTW!!! Probably still smells new! Someone I know must buy it so I can get a ride in it, dammit!

No?

Philistines....

----
* Except for Joshua, who doesn't fit in Alfas with roofs on.

Every time I think the Japanese just can't get any weirder I'm proven so very wrong. It's my understanding that other Asian cultures hold Japan up as an example of what's wrong with Asian cultures. Sometimes I think they have a point.

So how often should you change the oil in your car? This guy did some actual research and found that most Americans are probably doing it too often.

I think I've been tinkering with cars longer than this guy, otherwise he would've mentioned something most shade-tree wrenchers like me learned long ago... when factories first began touting longer oil change intervals, they also included a "heavy use" interval that really was only 3000 miles. A cursory reading of the owner's manual would reveal that, in order to qualify for the "normal use" category, a car essentially had to be driven warm all the time on highways at 50+ mph. Everything else was "heavy use."

Now, even the newest car we own today is nearly 10 years old, which (as I recall) was before all these new high-mileage oils started coming out. It may very well be one of the last vehicles to include this "heavy use" out. At any rate, we've run synthetic in everything except the Spider*. The Milano's on its very first oil change on our watch, but I'm pretty convinced of the new Mobil 1's protection and do not plan on changing it for at least 7500 miles. The Cruiser's always been treated as an "any time after 3000 miles" car, which usually translates to 5000-7500, and it's doing fine after 150k+ miles.

The point being? Well, as long as you let the car get fully warmed up on your regular drives, and are at least mindful of oil changes, nowadays you'll probably be fine. If you drive some goofy one-off Italian sports car that was never designed to last more than five years anyway, well, you're on your own!

----
* Whose engine is just about 40 years old. The oil leaked out like a mistreated opera star's mascara the one time I tried synthetic in it. Maybe after a rebuild...

Observation: The stock market's recent decline has equaled that of the Great Depression.

Conclusion: Stocks will never, ever be profitable again.

Is it just me, or does the MSM sometimes act very much like a small child after they've banged their knee? Since it's hurting now, that must mean it will hurt for ever and ever, so we must howl and cry until mommy or daddy rescues us.

Or, at the very least, vote Democrat.

To paraphrase a favorite movie line, Recycling: I don't think that word means what you think it means. The comments, in my opinion at least, reveal quite starkly the main problems I have with "green" ideas: to wit, the common assumption that human labor is free, and that recycling resources is always "better" than simply expending them.

It's all well and good for you to spend all your free time in a victory garden, mulching your family's waste with the kitchen trash, but quite frankly I really would rather pay someone to take it all away. Likewise, it may make a person feel quite at one with the environment to spend all that time sorting paper, plastic, and metal, but when it all ends up costing significantly more than it would otherwise I'm sorry but I will have to question its utility. And opt out, where I can.

It's not that I'm opposed to green initiatives, it's that so very often their costs are never considered, or actively hidden in all the feel-good propaganda, and then forced on me via government regulation or tax policy. Recycle? Sure... form a company that makes a profit doing it, and make it worth my while, and I'll be happy to sign up. Can't do that? State the price and let me decide if I want to support your green charity. It's when both of those fail, and the advocates in their failure try to turn the barrel of government's gun on me that I start to have a problem.

"Ah," says they, "you'll be happy to fiddle while Rome burns then, will you?" Show me the smoke. Show me the fire. Then, once more, ask me to support your cause.

"But you're unreasonable! The evidence won't convince you! There's an emergency and we must do something about it! Now!" Well, I'm terribly sorry about that then. Would you like me to line up against the wall now, or would you rather me wait until you've collected a few more of my friends?

Want your environmental initiatives to last? Turn them into markets. Let someone make a buck off it. Let someone make as many bucks as they can from it, and ten years from now the efficiencies will astound you. Let the price of scarce commodities drive solutions to their access, and ten years from now they'll all be cheaper than they are now.

But that's not good enough, now is it? That's not what we really want! It won't happen fast enough! It relies on commoners, and they're too stupid to do the right thing! It won't let the people who really know what they're doing to impose the policies we know are required to resolve the crisis!

Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say. Ah, well. Do they still hand out blindfolds and cigarettes for these things?

Mark gets a pink triangle no-prize for bringing us clips from some new reality show called, "Gay Army". The DI is speaking English, and I think the recruits are speaking German, so I don't know what network this is going out on. It's definitely going on my Tivo search. I don't know how legit it is, but it looks pretty funny.

It was my understanding all German males were conscripted from 18-21? Of course, that was 20 years ago, maybe the rules have changed...

Ron gets a no-prize with some ears on it for bringing us an editorial cartoon sure to cause frowns on the left side of the peanut gallery.

Actually, I think I'm seeing the very slightest of cracks in the popular media monolith. Then again, that whole, "of course we were biased! We weren't reporting the news, we were telling a great story!!!" meme soured me so badly on the MSM I've been reduced to getting my news from Fark and Instapundit. Wtf do I know?

Oh, goody:

Bloomberg is reporting that President Barack Obama's budget cuts rely heavily on reductions in military spending, and several other news organization said the same over the weekend.

Looks like it's time to order a few of these:

As with seemingly everything else they touch, boomers have turned the eternal fact that grandchildren sometimes have trouble understanding their grandparents into something self-centered and banal. It's not the words Olivia will have trouble with, it's the accent.

Images from the Mars Phoenix lander seem to show liquid water on the surface. Well, the surface of the lander's leg, at any rate. And it's not something you'd drink, at least not straight, since it would seem to have enough (natural) antifreeze in it to stay liquid in such an extreme environment.

Your "Head.Explodes(Candy);" moment today is brought to you by Frankston, Australia. Ya know, at least in the US they tend to tell you which state the story's happening in.

Bonus: AIIIEEEYAAAH!!! kitten leap from a couch capture in the video clip.

Dur. Link is here...

That's a real close shave right there, folks.

It's one thing to be told India has one of the worst rates of pedestrian vs. vehicle accidents in the world. It's quite another to get a first-person view as to why. Pedestrian bridge? What's that?

They aren't doing it right

They must be taught the true LOLCAT way!

The comet makes its closest approach to Earth (0.41 AU) on Feb. 24, 2009. Current estimates peg the maximum brightness at 4th or 5th magnitude, which means dark country skies would be required to see it. No one can say for sure, however, because this appears to be Lulin's first visit to the inner solar system and its first exposure to intense sunlight. Surprises are possible.

Read entire article here.

Here he comes to save the day!

Today it's at Jay Leno's garage. Tomorrow, it could be in mine. Be sure to hang on until the half-way point, when they show off a working crescent wrench that was scanned fully assembled, and printed exactly the same way.

There are dozens of little parts for the Milano that are NLA*. Maybe they won't be for much longer.

----
* No Longer Available.

Sometimes the headline just can't be beat: chair kills boy by anal penetration. No, really!

Right side bar contains R-rated NSFW pictures. Since it's Saturday, it's all good.

Oh dear...

Oh come on. It's 60 seconds. If nothing else, a preview of what Ellen would have done to the last Milano, had it lasted.

Your thought for the day:

Alternate headline: rare bird becomes rare lunch. Hey, ya gotta eat something!

It's probably for the best I don't know anyone with a big shooting range or access to any sort of explosives. If I did, I'm pretty sure I'd try a stunt like this. Only, you know, dumber. Personal injury FTW!

Which is why I like road course racing best. All the horsepower in the world, and in this case I'm just about certain that Corvette has got at least a 100 hp advantage, won't do you any good if you don't know how to turn and brake.

I've told the owners of various overpowered or overmodded cars that yes, their car is quick and yes, it will definitely beat mine in a quarter mile drag race. Thing is, I'd tell them, there's always a left or right turn at the end of the quarter miles I want to run on, and that'll be where I'll say, "buh-bye."

Now, I have proof.

And yes, I know the driver made those passes in spite of his car, not because of it. He also overcooked it in turn 6. Hey, if you're not spinning out occasionally, you're not trying.

It seems playing by lawful rules makes putting pirates away a real PITA. If ever there was a case for the tactical employment of the "shot while trying to escape" rule, I think this is it. Unfortunately, in today's all-volunteer Navy, it would be inevitable that some bright-eyed teen swabbie with a razor-sharp sense of morality would blab about it, and I can't think of a captain who'd risk his career just to lob a few hajjis over the side. Can't say I'd blame him. Or her.

At least this one's clever: reactionary bourgeois tool of the capitalist system:

Well, the obvious point [of the Obama plan to prevent foreclosures] is that it represents a massive transfer to borrowers from lenders and the rest of us.

I'm rather fond of that slogan up there. I just might turn it into a T-shirt. Anyone else interested in one?

At least one scientist thinks it may soon be possible to glean facial details from DNA. While not exactly a full reconstruction from a strand of self-important protein, it still seems enough to, say, narrow down a list of suspects, sometimes significantly. Who knows, perhaps ten years from now we'll be able to reconstruct what someone looks like just from a fingernail clipping. The implications for historical reconstruction are pretty exciting.

Happy birthday, Jeff!

Told you you were catching up to me.

This story just keeps getting more weird as the days go on.

Off to work to pay for her welfare!

“People can’t believe it’s real when they see the picture. I tell them ‘yes it’s real, I’m holding a lions’ b****’.”

No Scott, I do not hold kitty puffs while they are awake. Just when I'm stripping off hair for neutering.

It's official: if they actually bring Alfas over here, one of 'em's gonna be called Milano. An Italian-language article has some speculative pictures on what the new models might look like. I've worked too dratted hard on Ellen's car to give it up any time soon, but I must admit the 2011 timing of a purported crossover SUV would be a mighty tempting replacement for the family truckster, especially if it's VW-priced instead of BMW-priced.

Meh. Fun to think about, that's all.

What? Who cares if it's wrong? Does it fly? Go zoom-zoom? Looks weird? Run it, damn you, nobody'll notice

Just hang on to the 30 second mark, and then, well, hang on.

Via Ares.

Ron's Mark's next no-prize will fall out of the sky on him because he let us know about the EDIS map, your one-stop-shop for everything disaster. Worldwide!

I know from experience these little monsters are fast:

A turnstile-jumping tot, who can't even speak yet, gave his mom an 11-minute scare Tuesday when he slipped out of a Queens restaurant and jumped on a No. 7 train.

Olivia pulled her disappearing act when she was 4, stayed gone for about five minutes until I found her a few dozen yards down the beach. I called it a "powerful, cheap lesson."

About a great many things.

Ron gets a virtual no-prize for bringing us the latest news about the virtual dating scene. When Ellen and I met, the best you could do was text-based MUD wannabes. Now... I mean, geeze, what's next? Virtual rabbits boiling in virtual pots?

Today's "makes everyone get the skeevy-jeevies" article is brought to you by Uttar Prudesh, India:

It's important to have a goal in life. Indian grocer Radhakant Baijpai certainly has one - to make sure that he has the longest ear hair in the world.

With picture, of course.

Scientists have discovered a common high blood pressure treatment may be useful in treating disorders caused by traumatic memories. It doesn't appear to be a pill that makes you forget, but rather a pill that allows you to remember.

An Ohio website is helpfully providing advice on just what is and is not acceptable in the "personal license plate" realm. Ohio resident Ron, who gets endearingly literal when he gets an answer he doesn't like, should find the list of 1574 examples of bad resident! No biscuit! examples quite useful.

Virginia's custom plate law makes it pretty darned cheap to get one, so they're all over the place. They fussed at us when Ellen claimed "8bit me", but eventually, without explanation, gave in.

... but all I got was this lousy T-shirt. In a nutshell:

• If you're into, around, or part of big government, The Stimulus is definitely full of win for you.
• If you didn't pay any taxes to begin with, well, here's some more of everyone else's money... go have some babies or something.
• If you work for the most expensive, least successful public school system in the world, cash is heading your way soon.
• We here in Northern Virginia would like to thank the rest of the country for (presumably) paying off the remainder of the funds required to get Metro to run the Silver Line out to Dulles. Next time you're out this way be sure to take a ride!
• If there's anything that's been bothering your liberal little heart, some corner of the country the government hasn't poked its finger in to do us all some good, well, celebrations are also in order for you... that seems to be the real purpose of the whole thing.

Don't fit anywhere above? Hey, welcome to the club, we have jackets!

Mark gets a dusty yet very valuable no-prize for bringing us news of a discovery that would warm any descendant's heart:

A classic Bugatti car, which gathered dust in a Tyneside garage for half a century, has been sold for 3.4m euros (£3m) at an auction in Paris.

Bonhams had listed lot 17403 as a "motoring icon" with an engine that has not been fired up for 50 years.

Relatives of reclusive Newcastle doctor Harold Carr found the 1937 Type 57S Atalante in a garage after he died.

I'll wager it'll take quite a bit of work even to get the engine to turn over. Of course, with a car like this, getting it running is always the easiest part.

As I'm sure you all know, the 2009 F-1 season is right around the corner. Even those in the peanut gallery who aren't waiting for Melborne should find this 2 minute explanation of what's been changed at least mildly interesting, if nothing else for the way-cool computer graphics. Something not mentioned, but which seems obvious to me, is that the cars seem to be getting, well, pretty again. With all the wings, barge boards, and shark gills, it was hard to see the car, let alone appreciate its wickedly functional beauty. No more. And it promotes overtaking! Could this herald the end of the endless, changeless parades that too many races had become? Only time will tell.

Ok, I guess I'm now officially old, because not only do I not see the point in Skittle-ifying vodka, I'm actually vaguely offended by the attempt. However, I do actually remember a time when I and my (college-aged) friends would've thought this was cool. It was a long time ago.

The reaction of vodka aficionado Joshua will probably provide an equally useful barometer of his actual age.

Today's graphic demonstration of "people who want to be seen naked are usually people who shouldn't be seen naked" is brought to you by Budweiser. Sort of. Viral video FTW!

If, and let's all admit it is a monstrously big if, the stars align, Fiat's plan to bring two Italian models to the US next year may actually come to pass. A tiny Fiat and a smallish Alfa? Well, why not? To make it even spicier for your friendly local Alfa nuts, the model that may get shipped over is (apparently) due to be named Milano.

Instead of coming up with "mo' bettah" antibiotics to fight superbugs, one group of scientists has discovered a compound which seems to act like kryptonite. As long as the little bastards end up dead before I do, it's all good to me!

She may not be able to add all that well, and for her organizing money consists more of making a comfortable nest in which to sit. Regardless, her motto of "buy, buy, BUY!!!" was enough to send her old man into bankruptcy in less than 90 mintues.

Stupid Monopoly. Stupid utilities.

Leave it to San Francisco to turn a winkie into a mascot. Yeah, that'll be a wonderful addition to my daughter's stuffed animal collection. Not.

Lord, bless Wikipedia, without which I would not have known about a far more ancient holiday at this time of year:

The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two young patrician Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the walls of the old Palatine city, the line of which was marked with stones, with the thongs in their hands in two bands, striking the people who crowded near. Girls and young women would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility, prevent sterility in women and ease the pains of childbirth. This tradition itself may survive (Christianised, and shifted to Spring) in certain ritual Easter Monday whippings.

On the one hand, it sorta makes putting Valentine's day cards into paper sacks look pretty tame. On the other, if given a choice between putting cards in sacks or being chased around the town square by bloodstained, half-naked lunatics flinging raw goatskin around... well, suddenly cards don't look so bad.

Ain't ancient history fun?

Where cat can blog.

This time he has his own art gallery display!

Cooper - Cat Photographer.

Cooper is a 3 year old American Shorthair cat living in Seattle. Once a week he wears a lightweight digital camera fastened to his collar, which snaps a new photo every 2 minutes.

A very happy day to everyone! Eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

Flowers are mandatory and so are hugs and kisses.

For your enjoyment I bring you the history of Valentine's Day.

WARNING: Inserting an air pistol into someone's rectum and pulling the trigger could lead to severe injury. See? Bill Engvall's been right all these years...

And what is it with Germans and buttplay? I don't think I could ever be bored enough to think jamming a gun into a friend's backside would be a fun game. W... T... F... ?!?

Scientists appear to have discovered that parasitic wasps gained the ability to "zombify" caterpillars by harnessing a viral disease some 100 million years ago. I guess if life is given enough cracks at it, just about anything's possible... even internal genetic engineering!

You know it's a bad sign when the bus's destination sign reads, "afterlife":

Jinguan Auto, a popular Chinese ambulance manufacturer, has developed a rolling execution studio. Convicts are strapped to a power sliding stretcher that extends out of the rear of the bus as it's allegedly "too brutal" to haul people on board for their final cocktail. The executions are broadcast to local law enforcement authorities to make sure they are conducted up to code.

No, Ellen, you can't have one.

Actually, I doubt if seeing this budget graph will dent everyone's enthusiasm for Obama one little bit. Scary as it is, we're still close enough to the previous administration for them to take the blame.

From memory, it'll be about seven more months before I get to call fire and brimstone down on the current administration for the previous one's foibles. That's definitely what I remember happening, coming from people I actually know personally, with the last administration's first term.

It's left to the reader to remember which event marked the "in office, at fault" shift.

In other words, this is not a cool photo, it's an after-the-fact shot of a leprechaun's last moments. Ah well, I guess the pot of gold buried in the grill means you won't need to explain it all to the insurance adjuster, eh?

LOS ANGELES - A big share of the financial burden of raising Nadya Suleman’s 14 children could fall on the shoulders of California’s taxpayers, compounding the public furor in a state already billions of dollars in the red.

Even before the 33-year-old single, unemployed mother gave birth to octuplets last month, she had been caring for her six other children with the help of $490 a month in food stamps, plus Social Security disability payments for three of the youngsters. The public aid will almost certainly be increased with the new additions to her family.

“It’s my opinion that a woman’s right to reproduce should be limited to a number which the parents can pay for,” Charles Murray wrote in a letter to the Los Angeles Daily News. “Why should my wife and I, as taxpayers, pay child support for 14 Suleman kids?”

I wonder what kind of stimulus check she is getting from Obama.

I know, I know... I'm on my own if I go chase.

No wait....Ammmberrrr.....

Two women are fighting for their lives after cosmetic injections aimed at giving them 'J.Lo' style bottoms went disastrously wrong.

Andrea Lee, 30, suffered total kidney failure after being 'poisoned' with what is believed to be industrial silicone.

Her friend Zakiya Teagle, 33, is also in a critical condition in a Florida hospital after her internal organs stopped functioning.

Bottoms up!

When engineering meets addiction, the e-cigarette is born. If it makes clubs less polluted, I'll call it a good thing.

Those readers who've been to Amsterdam know all about it, but since I've never been this selection of red-light district photos was, well, I guess you'd say informative. The article is SFW, but the ads at the bottom of the page aren't.

Even asleep, the f'ers are dangerous. I've always maintained that if a house cat weighed 200 lbs nobody would keep one. If tigers only weighed 6, well, you get the picture...

... an official in some part of the government in the UK (it's not clear to me which) is thinking about criminalizing more forms of sexual behavior between consenting teens. Those opposed are quoted grousing against the influence of Christian groups. The unspoken camel in the room is that if it were Muslim groups doing the lobbying the law would've been passed without debate years ago. Like all good liberals and progressives, they'd much rather throw paint at old ladies than at Hell's Angels.

Ah, the joys of non-destructive archeology. One of these days we'll have to travel to Chicago and see all of these things. I was last there I think in 1998. Too long.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure 3000 years ago places Ms. Sealed Sarcophagus in the new kingdom.

No, really, it wouldn't surprise me if this kid lost an eye. The "I'm an idiot and I scream like a girl" bit at the end is just frosting on a particularly stupid cake.

Just after I graduated college, say, about 1992, a local high school gym teacher was arrested for manslaughter after a similar but far deadlier stunt during an after-game party. Instead of paintballs and a soda can, it was a .22 pistol and (surprise surprise) a beer can. Unfortunately the teacher aimed a little low at the student. Darwin, as expected, was right on target.

Due to a lack of competent trumpet players, the end of the world has been postponed seven months:

The Large Hadron Collider could be switched back on in September - a year after it shut down due to a malfunction and several months later than expected.

We apologize for any inconvenience this delay may cause.

A DC-area parrot rescue has just doubled their flock population and could use a few bucks to help (right side of page). Donate today! The window-shattering-squawk-volume feathered dinosaur wannabe you help could one day be your own!

Except you, Ellen. You can't have one.

Another year, another zillion-dollar Navy warship foundering on the rocks. If only there were devices which would warn a crew when they were approaching shallow water...

Mark gets a glittery no-prize with bell bottoms on for bringing us rumors that the real ruler of Russia is a closet Abba fan. Because we all know how reliable a cover band looking for some free publicity is, eh?

Finally, the intartubes^tm are living up to their "anarchic" expectations: Wikileaks has just released several tons of kinda-sorta-as-long-as-they-don't-find-out-secret Congressional reports on, basically, everything. It remains to be seen whether the party of "hope and change" will move decisively toward business as usual and actively attempt to close this firehose of potentially explosive information. Being a cynical, card-carrying member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, I think you already know what I think will happen.

This month AMCGLTD is officially 7 years old! 14,000+ articles, 18,000+ comments. I think I'm going to experience retroactive carpal tunnel or something.

Well, who wouldn't want to know if someone can swim faster in syrup than they can in water? If it's safe to pour down the sewer, why's everyone wearing breathing masks?

25 year old blind Oregon woman enjoys skydiving, says she knows when to pull the ripcord because the dog's leash goes slack.

From Fark, natch, linking up to this story.

Turns out that, when you consider the alternatives, working at Wal Mart really isn't as bad as you'd at first think. Readers on the far left of the peanut gallery (no, not you, the other one) may not like the conclusions the author reaches as to why Wal Mart has such a bad reputation.

My mom probably predicted this six weeks ago: that chick with the 14 babies? Yeah, she's been on disability for about ten years now. Qualifying for Social Security disability payments is the holy grail for the US disabled. It's an absolute b*tch to get there, but once there you're set, as they don't have the time or money to re-certify your status frequently. Or at all.

And yes, I realize it's not enough money to get rich on. It's the principle of the thing, dammit.

Not bad for 20 year-old paint, eh? When Ellen decides to get serious about detailing a car, just let her buy the supplies and get the f- out of the way. It's much safer.

Linseed oil, FTW! We thought it'd take painting the trim to get it "back to black." A little research on a VW forum proved otherwise

*SNIFF* ... she's playing her very first shooter. Sure, it involves a cat shooting lollipops at balloons as super-cute mice descend from them, but it's a start!

I, of course, need no justification, because I'm nuts. Oh stop nodding, that's not funny. Anyway, those of you with a more green bent who feel a pang or two of angst about keeping an old, "inefficient" classic car (or motorcycle, or boat, as the case may be) on the road may find this heartening:

[W]hile many newer cars operate with far greater efficiency, producing very few hydrocarbons at the tailpipe, etc, the amount of resources required throughout the production life-cycle when assembling a new car is astonishing when you consider the development and machining of all the tooling equipment, the refining of raw resources, and sheer volume of oil required to fuel that process before any gasoline ever even enters a tank.

Yes, getting a new car will generally produce fewer emissions and consume less fuel than an older one ... but I just simply can't justify supporting the idea that next year's model is the best one yet, and that we need to keep disposing, trading, our cars in for new ones to be 'responsible'. If I can reasonably maintain a car so that it is at peak efficiency and already using relatively little fuel, what justification is there for spending more money to use more resources to purchase something that will probably perform around as well as the old model did?

So, if you're pining for something old and gasoline powered, but have a tiny Al Gore on your shoulder bitching at you, give this argument a whirl. The next classic vehicle you save could be your own!

Via yet another poor bastard who fell victim to the Alfa Entry Drug.

My wife...

Oh, look... a wee beastie with delusions of grandeur:

I especially like how the guy really wants to poke "teh kitteh" with a fork, but stops just short, presumably because his significant other is holding the camera.

I agree with one of the commentators... this most likely is a rescue kitten who hasn't gotten its head around the "free food all the time" reality of domestic "kittehtude."

Now, there are practical issues galore, but personally I think an alarm clock that uses bacon for the wake up call is just a brilliant idea. Nothing like a little sizzle to get you started in the morning!

It's been quite some time since I've read something this relevant, and good:

Two political figures dominated the final months of the 2008 presidential campaign. One was the Democratic nominee, Barack Obama. The other had been unknown to all but 670,000 Americans only a few minutes before she was first introduced by the Republican nominee.
...
Palin became the embodiment of every dark fantasy the Left had ever held about the views of evangelical Christians and women who do not associate themselves with contemporary feminism, and all concern for clarity and truthfulness was left at the door.
...
Nonetheless, Palin was embraced practically without reservation in many conservative circles. The very heat of the Left’s campaign against her made her all the more a darling of the Right ... Palin instantly became an icon of the pro-life cause.
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Palin’s cultural populism put her at odds with the foe that did her the most serious damage: the nation’s intellectual elite, whose initial suspicion of her deepened into outright loathing as the campaign progressed.
...
Applied to politics, the worldview of the intellectual elite begins from an unstated assumption that governing is fundamentally an exercise of the mind: an application of the proper mix of theory, expertise, and intellectual distance that calls for knowledge and verbal fluency more than for prudence born of life’s hard lessons.

Sarah Palin embodied a very different notion of politics, in which sound instincts and valuable life experiences are considered sources of knowledge at least the equal of book learning. She is the product of an America in which explicit displays of pride in intellect are considered unseemly, and where physical prowess and moral constancy are given a higher place than intellectual achievement. She was in the habit of stressing these faculties instead—a habit that struck many in Washington as brutishness.
...
McCain’s advisers were right about Palin: she was a mirror image of John McCain. She was not a visionary politician, or a programmatic politician, but an attitude politician with an appealing biography. In the end, she was no more able than McCain to offer a coherent rationale for his presidency.

I've never read quite such a succinct summary of what my lefty friends really do appear to believe. Great stuff! Go read!

Pat gets a no-prize with a big magnifying glass attached for bringing us the story of Dr. Aribert Heim, one of the last remaining uncapture Nazi war criminals. It would seem he passed away in 1992 after living a quiet life in Cairo. Died of rectal cancer, apparently. If he actually did what he's accused of doing, well, can't say I'm all that sympathetic.

Cow + Lightning = well, this. Cow's Ok. Well, sorta. Look, I like rare steak, but this is taking that "make sure it's mooing" thing way too far.

Why Me?

I must have a rolling LED sign on my head that says, “Weirdos! Talk To Me! Tell me about your life! Tell me every detail of it and I will pretend to acknowledge you and nod my head in agreement to your asinine stories!”

What better place to have a weirdo talk to you but your friendly reptile vet’s office? There must be a rule somewhere, that in order for one to own an ‘exotic’ pet, one must be more exotic than what one owns. Sometimes “exotic” isn’t a good thing. Case in point…

Dude: “What kind of bird is that?” Pointing to me.

Note: “Dude” has a parrot in a clear plastic Rubbermaid tub with a green towel on top. No, really…

Me: “It’s a Pionus.”

Dude: “My bird is here for tests,” then he leans into me, “expensive tests.”

Nice. Did I ask you about your bird? Can’t you see I’m trying to read February’s Reptile Magazine?

Then he leans in again.

Dude: “You must be the one with the PIONUS car.”

Wow, you can read. Please lean away; you scare me, and you smell.

Me: “Yep, that would be me.”

Dude: “I have that Subaru out there. It’s fast.”

So I lean across him to look out the window. Some sorta Subaru WXY867-5309. Blue. No ridiculous wing on the back, so it’s not that “God Car” Scott’s sometimes talks about.

Me: “Yes, that is a Subaru.”

Dude: “So… Alfa Romeo.”

Me: “…” (on the inside, thinking: “yes…and your point is?”)

Dude: “I bet my Subaru can take your Alfa.”

Do I really give a shit? You really smell and your bird is loud. And in a plastic box. Where are your eyes? Can you see out of your hair to drive your Subaru?

Me: “Hmm... No... Actually, no. I don’t think it can.”

Dude: “I have a blah blah blah….” *my eyes glaze at this point* “engine that has—“

Me: “Is it pretty?”

Dude: “What is?”

Me: “The engine. Is it pretty?”

Dude: “Why do I want to see if the engine is pretty?”

Me: “Exactly.”

And here, as they say, endeth the lesson.

Adjusting the orbit of the ISS is apparently a bit, well, violent. When the only thing separating you from a convincing imitation of the opening of a soda bottle shaken too hard are the seals of a glorified thermos bottle, rattling them seems... bad?

With video!

Ok, whacking off one's wang and then flushing it down the toilet, to me at any rate, constitutes something much stronger than "an accident." That's sort of like saying a NASCAR pile-up at turn 4 at Daytona is "a fender bender."

No, that's doesn't even approach it. I'm not sure any analogy could.

A new scientific theory is postulating warm-bloodedness was a response to the conditions of plant eaters, not predators. The theory is still quite new and therefore strong on predictions but short on evidence. However, it does seem to neatly explain why both mammals and (presumably) dinosaurs selected what would otherwise be considered a quite wasteful metabolic strategy.

Ron gets a no-prize he just better not shake too hard for bringing us news that the Boys in Blue have f'd up another set of nuclear security inspections. Is it because they're f-ups, or is it because the inspections are hard and meant to be failed the first few times? I'd like to think the latter, but I'm not all that optimistic.

The Pionus strut= "IdontlikeyouwhatisthatthingthatismakingthathorriblenoiseIKILLYOU!" walk.

Or to politely put it, Scott was vacuuming.

Scientists have announced the discovery of the largest snake ever found. Named Titanoboa cerrejonensis by its discoverers, this forty-two foot monster is thought to have lived about 60 million years ago. Not only does the find have implications about snake evolution, it also provides all sorts of information about the climate in which the critter lived.

What I want to know is, only five million years after the dinosaurs died out, just what this thing was eating? It's my understanding that for quite some time after the K-T event, the biggest animals wandering around were largish birds. And by "largish" I'm definitely not talking about house-sized beasties. More like "really really big ostrich" sized, which it sounds like this thing could eat in a gulp.

A 16 year-old German... person? ... has become the youngest person known to have undergone sex reassignment surgery. Born Tim, Kim is now looking forward to, well, certainly a different sort of life. Ellen and I have seen a few documentaries about people who undergo this surgery, and from that information we've discovered the result is very far indeed from the surgeon waving a magic scalpel and then ting!!! what was once a 100% male body is now a 100% female body in both form and functions.

"Shunts" are neither romantic nor particularly attractive, and just because it sorta looks like a vagina doesn't make it one. I just hope no German tax dollars were spent on this. Knowing the reputation of the EU social safety net, I'm not keeping my hopes up.

Good:

Media reports suggest Senate Republicans have become a key focus of stimulus talks, an acknowledgement that they appear to hold the balance of power in that chamber despite having only 41 seats to the Democrats' 58.

That's the way it's supposed to work, folks. It's why I was able to sleep at night after "the rapture." 60 seats and the Democrats run the world. 59 (or, here, 58) and they have to co-operate.

He'll either learn to coddle, caress, and cajole congress, or he'll fail. Will he be Carter II, or Clinton II? We'll just have to see.

Explorers have discovered the wreck of HMS Victory. No, I hadn't heard of it either, but according to the article it's a mid-18th century British warship which was separated from a fleet in a storm on the English channel and sank with (apparently) all hands. She also sank with some 4 tons of gold coins in her hold, which has yet to be found.

Well, if Ellen won't link them up I will...

The things one does for entertainment...

If nothing else, this should explain why the cars are so narrow. And there's also that whole, "gorgeous old roads in a gorgeous old country" angle, donchaknow?

It'll be a lot worse when the painkillers wear off, kid. Drugs have come a long way since I had teeth pulled when I was that age, that's for sure.

And yes, Ellen, this is exactly how you acted on the way home from your wisdom teeth surgery.

Personally, I don't get the appeal of chocolate-covered bacon. Then again, I seem to be getting more food-sensitive lately. Why, just last night I made Ellen turn off her Weird Foods episode when the guy sawed an ear off a roast suckling pig, took a bite, then complained that it wasn't too bad but he wasn't very fond of the taste of the waxy build-up around the inside of the...

Gah... makes me green just thinking about it...

And, sorry folks, I'm not making that up.

Scientists seem to have discovered that creating human-animal hybrid embryos is much more difficult than previously thought. Has there ever been a time when something's turned out to be easier than previously thought? The entire US government would seem to be a gigantic counterfactual to the very idea.

Former French president Jacques Chirac was recently hospitalized after being attacked by his dog. Which sounds, you know, scary and stuff, until you get to the part where they explain Mr. Chirac's dog is one of those little ankle-biter breeds people insist on keeping for some damned reason. Me, I simply wouldn't put up with such behavior. However, the entire in-law side of my family, both sides of it, as far back as the eye can see, has put up with them for as long as anyone can remember. I therefore have to sit on Ellen any time one of these little acid-drooling demon hellspawn comes across her radar screen.

Otherwise I would be able to provide all local friends and house guests with (noisy and annoying) proof positive that there is in fact something much worse than a house full of incontinent, food-puking, litterbox-optional cats.

Mark gets the famous fig-leaf no-prize for bringing us news that Switzerland is having trouble with nekkid Germans hiking all over the countryside. You'd think that, after awhile at least, those backpack straps would start to chafe.

Scientists have found evidence of human ancestors traipsing around South East Asia far earlier than previously thought. In fact, the tool evidence, which has been dated to 1.8 million years ago, pre-dates all other evidence of hominids in that region. It's so old it can't possibly be evidence of Homo sapiens, since we didn't show up most of the rest of history (200,000 years ago). What sort of hominid did create the tools is, of course, a matter for speculation.

Nothing like a whole bunch of macro insect pictures to start a Monday morning. I get that some people like bugs. I'm just not one of them. *SHUDDER*

Looks like somebody's gotten another DB-powered 109 in the air. I bet they fly even nicer now that all the guns, ammo, and armor have been removed. Check out the side-slip on landing!

Scientists have found evidence that nervous systems were developed at least twice in the history of life. Good ideas get copied in nature no less often than they do in business, it would seem.