Former French president Jacques Chirac was recently hospitalized after being attacked by his dog. Which sounds, you know, scary and stuff, until you get to the part where they explain Mr. Chirac's dog is one of those little ankle-biter breeds people insist on keeping for some damned reason. Me, I simply wouldn't put up with such behavior. However, the entire in-law side of my family, both sides of it, as far back as the eye can see, has put up with them for as long as anyone can remember. I therefore have to sit on Ellen any time one of these little acid-drooling demon hellspawn comes across her radar screen.

Otherwise I would be able to provide all local friends and house guests with (noisy and annoying) proof positive that there is in fact something much worse than a house full of incontinent, food-puking, litterbox-optional cats.