"I worry that if my [mom] is alone in the house and she falls, does she make a sound?"

I'm a bad, bad son. But you all knew that a long, long time ago. You remind me every time you talk to me.

Calm down. If you're confused, I'm not talking to you.

I also liked:

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

and:

Marriage is built on paranoia and mistrust. I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and she wakes up out of dead sleep to say, 'Where are you going?' Why, to have sex with the midget I store in the medicine closet.