So, for a very early birthday present I got myself some "clipless" pedals for the bike. In spite of their name, clipless pedals actually involve a very strong clip... the pedal is usually very small, and the (extremely stiff) shoe has some sort of cleat just under the front of the foot. You snap one into the other, and now your foot is mechanically joined to the bike. The result is a very efficient and light system that transfers something like 99% of your leg's force to the rear wheels. Mine are Speedplay X1's, bought used off e-bay. I like them a lot.

But that's not the point of this story.

You see, now that I had these flash clipless pedals, I had a spare set of "toe-clips". For those who don't know, toe clip pedals have a plastic-and-cloth "basket" that fits around the front of the foot. The point is to make sure your foot stays in the optimum place, and you can pull up as well as push down while pedaling. Since Ellen's bike had simple platform pedals, deciding what to do with my old toe clips was pretty simple.

Me: "Ok, now, this'll be pretty different. It's not like when you hopped up and down like mad on your bike when you were 11. You have to be careful with these."

Ellen, very seriously: "Careful. Ok, gotcha."

Some careful adjustments were made around Ellen's not-really-appropriate running shoes (that's a "tomorrow" goal... proper redneck bicycle shoes*) to make sure things fit properly. Me: "Now, what I want you to do is put the kickstand up and pedal backward, one foot at a time. Practice putting your foot in and taking it out."

Ellen, after a minute of enthusiastic cranking: "But what do I do with the other foot?"

"Practice one at a time, just get used to how it feels."

So into the garage I went to put on my flash (and 40% off!) bicycle shoes, leaving Ellen just outside the open garage door on the driveway to practice. Just as I started to fit the first one on, I heard this long, shambling sound, like someone dropping a sack full of tennis balls. Ellen had gone down.

Me: "You ok?!?"

Ellen, sheepishly: "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're sure? I can take them off if you want..."

"No, no, I'm fine, just a few scrapes."

"Ok... sure?!?"

"Yes goddammit... what am I, some sort of retard?!? Do you want to ride or don't you?!?" (Welcome to my world -- Scott)

"Well, ok then. Ready? Let's go..."

So off we went to pick up Olivia from daycare for a nice family ride. But Ellen's fall sort of made me, well, itch a little, mentally I mean. I knew she was fine, but I'd had the same adjustment period with those toe clips and hadn't fallen. I'd even made the transition to clipless, which everyone says puts you on your ass, and still hadn't fallen. Anyone who's watched me shamble across a level floor knows I have the co-ordination of a stoned walrus. Ellen's a trained dancer fergodsake. Which is when I thought of something, halfway down the trail.

Me: "Ellen... did you try to pedal backwards on both pedals?"

Ellen: "..."

Olivia, from her bombadier seat: "DOG-EE!! DOG-EE!! DOG-EE!!"

Ellen: "Yes, doggy baby! There's the doggy!"

Me, smelling blood: "Ellen?!?"

Ellen, just barely audible over the ratchet-click of the bikes: "maybe..."

And that, dear friends, is how Ellen got her sign.

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* Running shoes suck ass because they have such squishy soles. Squishy is good when you're running, but when you want to transfer maximum force, something with a narrow, stiff, flat sole is ideal. A trip to che-Target is therefore in order to get The Empress a cheap pair of classic tennis shoes, who's flat-soled design is gauranteed to provide many miles of toe-clip goodness.