"I'll give you a dollar if you taste this."

According to my husband, I am the devil.

"I'll give you twenty bucks if you'll climb into that dryer and let me turn it on."

I am a mean, manipulative person who will make people cry. I talk people into doing stupid things for a buck. I think up dangerous stunts and then offer people money to do them. Sarcasm tends to be my first and middle name.

"Here... smell this. I'll give you a fiver."

I like it.

"This cat? Oh this cat's a sweety. I'll give you ten bucks if you deal with the pain in the butt client though." If they'd read my notes, which clearly say extremely aggressive cat, use welding gloves when handling, they wouldn't need to ask!

Do I plan to change? Fuck no.

"Ms. Doe's estimate was $300, but we had to do $1200 worth of work just to keep the cat alive. I'll give you a dollar if you make the call."

No really, I do offer people money to do stupid stuff. The amazing thing is, after all this time and all these pranks, they still take it!

Wanna dollar?

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Editor's note: No cats were threatened, injured or killed in the composition of this essay. Medical staff and co-workers? Well, that's a different story...