Ellen still makes fun of me because I've got all my old D&D stuff, even though I haven't played in more than fifteen years. So I really don't think this will work very well:

At first, d+d sex must be taken slow. While the male is likely incredibly excited at the thought of donning a warhelmet and engaging in a few "melee rounds," the female, sensitive creatures that they are, will probably be less enthusiastic. That's why there's a trick up your sleeve that will help warm them on to the idea: crappy romance novels.

Ask her to pretend she's in "the secret garden" or some crap like that. With any luck, you'll appeal to the side of her that loves doilies and black-and-white movies where people dance all the time, and she'll run for the spare wheelchair so you can roleplay properly. Bide your time, captain - let her pretend to be "anne of green gables." After some time, indicate to her that you'd like to act out a romance novel featuring a barbarian warlord. She'll most likely eat up the notion, which is when you bring out the first piece in true d+d sex: the dice. Give them a roll on the end table in the middle of "the act" and yell out "crap! wandering monster!"

The thing is, the game is on its, what, fifth revision? It's a totally different system now, I'd have no idea how to play it.

Oh dear lord. I really am a nerd!