Pat gets a no-prize smothered in tomato "gravy" for e-mailing us the following humorous and "so-close-it's-scary" look into the lives of Italian-Americans:

Some of you that I have sent this to are not of Italian descent but can relate with your nationality &/or race. So just read, picture your family background & enjoy

• Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from the discount Appliance store in the basement to cook.
• There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, front, porch and backyard.
• The living room is filled with old Bombonieri (they are too pretty to open) with poofy net bows and stale Almonds.
• A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra is in the dining room.
• God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can. (Tomato paste is the exception.)
• The following are Italian Holidays:
  • First weekend in October - Grapes for the Wine
  • 3rd weekend in August - Tomatoes for the Gravy (Speaking of which, it's GRAVY and not Sauce).
• Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol.
• Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna.
• If anyone EVER says ES- CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.
• If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.
• No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the gravy pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down - you'll make up for it next week at confession.
• Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, what more do you want. All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno (Nona) & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table. First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nona called all spaghetti Macaroni)...change plates. After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Overcooked vegetables...change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)....change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones). Coffee (Espresso for Nono, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with Anisette, plus Hard Cookies to dip in the coffee. The kids go play...the men go to lay down...the women clean the kitchen.
• Getting screamed at by Mom or Nona - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.
• Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.
• Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material.
• Prom hair-do from Cousin Angela...Free.
• Turning around at prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym...PRICELESS!

The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends.

Yup, that'd be my girl, almost 100%.