• Men don't wash toddlers, they soak them. Like tea bags. You can always tell how deep the tub was by the scum line on their chest.
• The one who smells it, changes it.
• Being a parent means learning how to breathe through your mouth. A lot.
• Our child is odd. Yours is too!
• Cat food is a special treat when mommy and daddy are not looking.
• Clean, what does clean mean?
• We have our own weather system in the house. It's called Hurricane Olivia.
• Cheese balls are your friend. Especially when bought in bulk.
• Cats like cheese balls too.
• Cheese balls turn white cats orange. This was Olivia's first scientific experiment.
• Vacuum cleaner hoses are the perfect place to hide your extra cheese balls.
• You may be married, you may have a house, you may have a car, your parents still yell at you.
• Your child is they only reason they visit you now.
• Cat boxes are NOT sand boxes!
• You can never have too many binkies! (pacifiers)
• You have 50 binkies in your house (at $2.25 each) and you can only find 4 at a time.
• With high chairs, you can judge how much your child ate by the amount of food you find under their butt.
• Learn to tip well at restaraunts, because they have to call in the cleaning crew to clean up under your child's chair.
• Every household should have the "Redneck's Home Remedy Kit": cotton swabs and Wild Turkey.
• M&M's are really "baby crack".
• Friends? What friends? Oh! Those are the ones running away screaming.
• "NO!!!" is the first word every child learns.
• You can tell, because they grin when you say it.

Up next: When your child's monitor picks up some other baby in the neighborhood.