"AMCGLTD," we hear you ask, "I'm sick of these nosebleeds. My bed has nearly shaken apart from all the times it's been levitated into the mothership. And every time the Grays show up it takes a week to coax the cat out of the closet. What can I do?!?"

Fear not, gentle reader! AMCGLTD is here to help! The Alien Implant Removal and Deactivation Method will free you from those embarassing nosebleeds, startling encounters with beings who have "huge, dark, watery-looking, almond-shaped eyes and wrinkled, gray skin", and those annoying Reptilian rapists. You'll also learn the answers to questions that have been bothering you for years, such as:

• Who are the Zetas from Zeta Reticuli, and why are they so fascinated with anal probes?
• How can you be the victim of an alien implant when nothing shows up on the x-rays?
• Isn't this all really George Bush's Bill Clinton's the President's fault?

Don't delay! Act now! Supplies are limited! You cannot afford to miss this spectacular offer! Your family and your butt will thank you.