U1: "Scott! Help! I sent a message to a few people and it ended up going to the whole staff! What's wrong?!?"

Just what I need on a Friday. An e-mail mystery.

U2: "Scott! Oh my god! I sent a message to someone and it went to the whole staff!"

Well, ok, one person having a problem is, well, one person having a problem. Every network admin worth his/her salt knows the biggest source of bugs and errors comes from the device sitting between the chair and the keyboard. More than one person having a problem, well, that's a network issue, and that's my job.

U3: "Scott! What's going on?!? I sent..."

Me, in unison: "a message to someone and it went to the whole staff?"

U3, disappointed (spoiled it for her): "well, yes."

Me: "No idea what's causing this. I'll get on it."

U3: "Well, great, because ... " [insert user dialog #6: "something weird happened and now people are calling me and I just wanted you to know because it's completely your responsibility at least a little and I know you're interested anyway"]

While trying to tease out what the hell might be going on with these messages (I got them too), a miracle occurred. Not just a "wow-look-a-20-dollar-bill-on-the-sidewalk" miracle, but a genuine gold-plated divine intervention, complete with clouds parting, sunbeams descending, and a chorus of angels singing hosannas on high.

One of my users figured out what was going wrong. All by themselves. And they actually came by to tell me about it.

U2: "I've got it! The messages I sent to [Known Clueless User^tm, aka KCU^tm] got sent to all the staff. Just those, nothing else."

Cue wavy-screen flashback effect and music as Scott looks skyward. Voiceover of Scott: "Hmmm... [KCU^tm]"

Flashback: Yesterday, 3 pm, phone rings

Me: "This is Scott"

KCU^tm: "Hi Scott! This is [KCU^tm]!"

Me: *GROAN* (on the inside)

KCU^tm: "What was that? Is my cell phone acting up again?"

Note to self: must keep inside thoughts inside

Me: "I guess... what's up?"

KCU^tm: "Well, umm... I was... umm... wondering. How do I set it so that it sends out umm... you know... whenever I log in?"

How to get tech support to help your clueless ass [page 28]: Be as vague as possible. Tech support people enjoy trying to figure out what the hell you're talking about. Words like "computer" and "email" are too specific and disappoint your tech support person. Instead, use pronouns that could refer to six or seven different things on your computer. Finally, make sure to refer to something that's just impossible, like sending everyone on the staff a message when you log into your computer. Support people live to help you specify your problems before they can solve them.

Me: (Hooray! Another dart throwing contest! Let's see... what does KCU^tm always want to do yet never remembers how... ah! I remember, the thing KCU^tm called about the past three times in a row) "You mean you want to set a vacation autoreply on your e-mail account so when people send you mail they get a reply that you're out of the office?" (Swear to god, Jane Goodall got nothing on me when it comes to translating the intentions of the primitives)

KCU^tm: "Yes! That's it!"

Me: "Ok, go to [intranet website] and visit [clearly labeled e-mail section], then click [clearly labeled account management section, even says "autoreply" on it], then follow the directions."

KCU^tm (long pause ... I can almost hear claxons sounding in her brain and the announcement "DANGER! DANGER! SELF-RELIANCE REQUIRED! SYSTEMS OVERLOADING! STAND CLEAR! SYSTEMS OVERLOADING!"): "The directions?"

Me [oh no you don't, not this time]: "Yup, the directions are right there. Just follow them."

KCU^tm: "And they'll tell me what to do?"

Me: No, they'll tell you how to make chicken and dumplings in a spare tire. "Yup."

KCU^tm [in doubtful singsong tones suggesting "You'll be sorr-rey"]: "Umm... Okay..."

Cue wavy-screen flashback effect and music as Scott nods his head

Me: "Thanks [U2], I think I already know where the problem is."

Let's see... nope, don't know her password, not on file (things like this are why I keep them in a file, not because I like spying on them. Well, much.) Too bad, so sad, going to have to call me to find out what it is now. A quick password re-set and I'm in. Sure enough, there it was.

You see, right below the part where you set your vacation reply is another section marked AUTO FORWARD. Let's repeat that... another section. That being something marked clearly and separately from the correct section. And right there, in the auto forward section, was the all-staff e-mail address. Now, this isn't some sort of button you just click and suddenly mail is going somewhere else. Nope, you have to click two boxes and type some text in to get forwarding to work. You have to want it to work.

Yup, this person had, for reasons I at first refused to even attempt understanding, set it up so anyone sending her e-mail would automatically have that e-mail forwarded to the entire staff of this organization.

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence -- Napoleon Bonaparte

I should have that carved into my door. No, I don't think she did it on purpose. Wait, what am I saying, of course she did it on purpose... it's the only way something like that can be done. What I mean is I don't think she did it out of a sense of malice.

Putting on my "moron goggles" I had to admit that, in spite of the fact these were two separate sections with two obviously different functions, there were no explicit instructions saying "use this for that, and this other thing for that other thing." In my own defense, nobody in the past five years this system had been in use had managed a stunt like this. However, by crossing my eyes and focusing on exactly and only what was in front of me and ignoring everything else, I could almost see what happened...

KCU^tm [in voiceover]: Let's see... here's the autoreply stuff... well, this is easy... who needs those squiggly "instruction" things anyway. Now, type up the reply, and, oh! Look! It's even got this blank at the bottom for me to tell it who to send the reply to! Wow, it's got more squiggles around it... "A-U-T-O F-O-R-W--" oh god, this is so confusing... Well, it's obvious what it's for anyway. Let's send it to everyone on the staff, that's so great!"

So now there are big red warnings on the page, a-la "DO NOT USE HAIR DRYER WHILE IN BATHTUB" and "WARNING: INSERTING HEAD INTO BAG AND CLOSING MAY RESULT IN SUFFOCATION".

Now if I can just get out of here before she calls wondering what happened with her password...