• No matter how hard you try, you're still going to die.
• Nobody really knows what happens when you do.
• Most of the people who claim to are insane.
• George Bush probably wasn't the best candidate the Republicans could come up with.
• Al Gore probably was the best candidate the Democrats could come up with.
• If you've gotten good at a driving video game you've probably had more training than 90% of the people on the road.
• One day you'll probably have to place at least one parent in a nursing home
• If you could figure out how to afford it, you'd probably wish you could check yourself in with them.
• One day, your kids will be in charge.
• No matter how hard you try, you'll still end up acting like your parents.
• You probably are already.
• There is a small, but non-zero, chance that humanity really is the best the universe can do.
• Your camera doesn't lie.
• Cosmopolitan's does.
• If you could get bigger boobs from a pill, every woman in the US would already have have D cups so firm you could bounce nickels off them.
• So would a quarter of all men.
• If you could get a bigger wang from a pill, half the men in the US would have ones so big they'd have to coil it in their jeans.
• The other half wouldn't be able to leave the house.
• The Osbornes are popular because they're weird looking but act just like your family.
• Only with less swearing.
• You would have to spend the next hundred years in an airplane to be at serious risk of a terrorist attack.
• You only have to drive to the grocery store to be at serious risk of getting run over by Buffy and her Magic Cell Phone.
• If you're over 40, somewhere someone has a picture of you in a leisure suit.
• If you're under 20, one day your parents will show your kids a picture of you with purple hair as a justification for your kids getting theirs done in stripes.
• Orange and green stripes.
• There are good kids out there who just don't have a chance.
• Sometimes you wish you could trade them for your kids.
• Anyone over thirty can't be trusted.
• Your parents thought the same thing.
• Little old ladies know more about sex than you ever will.
• Sometimes they'll end up on TV to prove it.
• The real reason Hollywood celebrities speak out about politics is it's the only time they're actually in control of anything.
• The real reason politicians speak out is it's the only way they can prove they're in control of anything.
• The people who hold real power never speak at all.

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