Things we have learned during pregnancy:

1. If you try really hard, you will avoid "shelf ass" for seven months (Ellen)
2. No matter how hard you try, shelf ass will overtake you by the eighth month (Ellen)
3. Learn to Love the Ass (Ellen)
4. It's a time when you can actually understand why they're unpredictable and psychotic. (Scott)
5. It's god's payback for allowing women to be without scruples or conscience when dealing with the opposite sex for the other 90% of their lives. (Scott)
6. It's the only time you can say "my God you're getting big" and not be hit with something heavy. (Scott)
7. It doesn't matter what your Denise-Austin-clone mother says, walking up and down two flights of stairs (at work and at home) is plenty f*cking enough exercise thank you very much. (Ellen)
8. It's a time you get to watch your Denise-Austin-clone wife, who would run up fourteen flights of stairs with a glint in her eye and a smile on her face and make you feel like a flabby troll, huff and puff at the top of the 2nd flight. (Scott)
9. There really is a bowling ball in there (Ellen)
10. And it doesn't have the decency to even be vaguely ball-shaped (Ellen)
11. When watching your wife's belly, no matter how hard you try, it still looks like the world's worst gas attack. Ever. (Scott)
12. To a cat, a swelling belly is just a really weirdly shaped trampoline. It's especially fun to bounce on it at night. (Ellen)
13. Having a spouse permanently on the wagon means more booze for you (Scott)
14. Nesting is real. There's nothing like watching an 8-month pregnant chick trying to clean a counter top and vacuum at the same time, and snarl at you when you try to help. (Scott)
15. Vacuuming at 4 am is perfectly normal. Why would anyone complain about the noise don't you understand there's more cat hair on thefloorandgeelookhowawfulthesecounterslookanddoesn'ththefishtankneedcleaning? (Ellen)
16. It's a time when the spouse who would wrap themselves in six blankets sits on top of a sheet naked and sweats while the other can feel icicles forming on their nose. (Scott)
17. When pregnant chicks claim they're farting for two, they're not kidding. (Scott)
18. Simply getting out of the bathtub at month 8 requires a strategic consultation and at least two tactical maneuvers. One of which usually fails. Spectacularly. (Ellen)
19. Cats laugh at you. No, really, they do! (Ellen)
20. Women learn Stupid Fetus Tricks, like "no no, push this way, not that way. If you push that way they pull their foot back in." Pregnant women are weird. (Scott)
21. Belly buttons are not turkey timers. (Ellen)
22. Oh yes they are, oh yes they are. (Scott)
23. It's actually possible to keep a navel ring in the entire time. It just stops being a navel ring after awhile. (Ellen)
24. The cheapest, nastiest fast food is suddenly the nectar of the gods. (Ellen)
25. And slushies... mmmmm... slushies [drool] (Ellen)
26. Slushies. Are. Not. Dinner. (Scott)
27. Oh yes they are, oh yes they are [drool] (Ellen)
28. Why is it all the syndromes and features of pregnancy are named after men?!? (Ellen)
29. Ok, measure out 10 cm on a ruler. Compare it to a tea saucer or dinner plate. Now look at your wife's... well, you know. Suddenly understand what "shock and awe" really mean. (Scott)
30. Even icewater can cause heartburn. (Ellen)
31. If you look hard enough, you actually can find baby decorations with cats on them. Lots and lots and lots of cats. (Scott)
32. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? (Ellen)
33. No. (Scott & Ellen)

Ok mom, there's your funny. Laugh dang you, laugh.