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Best. Auction. Description. Ever.
Damion joins the rare club of people who have nailed two no-prizes in a single day by bringing this auction item to our attention. Why is it so special? Check out the description:
You are bidding on a 600 Watt AMP + 2, twelve inch MTX subwoofers in an enclosed box. This system is pretty sweet, its got loud distinct bass, nothing to obscene, if you have an SUV or a truck this is perfect, it comes prewired already, just enough to feel your music, but not to irritate anyone else, or you can if you tweak it, or if your a loser who drives a Civic with a type R sticker, racing stripes, blasting really bad rap music through your suburban area with your pretentious "I’m 21 but I’m still in high school girlfriend" while driving with your hand up on the top of the steering wheel exposing your underdeveloped pasty white vitamin deficient arm and wearing your backwards BS upside down visor hat while feeling the tacky as a "Florida vacation" single diamond earring in your ear, If you are this person...with any luck the sun in its precise celestial positioning as you putter on by...will reflect its scorching rays into your earring, bouncing intensely in your rearview, and finally making contact with your eyes through the thin cheap lense of $5 gas station Oakley rip off glasses.. then burning your retnal cones into smoldering melting gobs of ocular material as you are blinded by the purest form of energy in our known universe, and as you scream no one can help or hear you because they don’t know what’s going on since the weed whacker sound of your shitty tiny little muffler which makes the Civic sound like a 747 rages on underneath making everyone turn at disgust and comment to thier husbands or wives how much of a dickweed you are by attaching that automotive abnormality to your stock economical daily driver engineered by Japanese Automotive specialists to fit the needs for entry level business workers in their early 30's, however your pathetic looking $11,000 car which you want to look like a friggin spaceship with redundant ground effects is now out of control since you are blinded, and as your car plunges off the side of a cliff while you scream in the purest form of terror while knowing you have lived a horrid excuse for a life, by doing the bare minimum in every facet of existence, while getting fired from one pathetic job to another, the majority of your time spent slacking smoking dope, getting kicked out of school, polishing your "game" on sweet innocent underage girls you eventually 'de flower' through exhaustive yet succesful attempts to get the date rapist drugs you have stashed in the glove compartment, into your poor victims drinks while offering them to take the "Pepsi Challenge" while making your mother hate you, and your poor father who wishes he had a daughter instead of your pathetic ass, since a girl would be more of a man than you ever were, like the occasion when you were hit in the arm by a wild pitch in little league, then you cried like a fat kid who dropped his ice cream cone, I'm already envisioning you impacting the rocks below, in a spectacular fireball ignited from the residue hairspray from your girlfriend plastered in the fabric passenger seat, blinded by your earring, deafened by the loud "Bling Blingin", and I will smile and roll around on the ground in orgasmic delight while you are consumed by flames whose intense heat and fury will liquefy your bone marrow that I will use to make jelly beans out of and eat them happily at your funeral as midgets dressed like Alex 6005321 from "A Clockwork Orange" dance around your coffin to loud industrial style techno music and strobe lights, and I will sleep soundly at night knowing another successful conquest of Darwinism has been attained. So...you can either use the system I'm selling like the fore- mentioned guy did, or you can buy it from this Cadet and use it properly and enjoy the compliments people will give you as you pass and let them listen to your outstanding taste in fine diverse music. Disclaimer: -No..Im not crazy...Following my 8 years of Military Service as a Naval Aviator, I plan to be a screenwriter. And no, you cant hire me...yet. I almost forgot, the RESERVE is UBER low, like dirt cheap. Shipping might be a bit expensive so if anyone is close to THE CITADEL, in Charleston South Carolina I can arrange a delivery, or you may pick it up. Thank you, if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask. My profile and feedback is immaculate. Thank you. EMAIL [removed] if you need to get in contact with me for any reason.
Go Damion!!!!! Just like him to find a description like this!! If he ever exhibits any of these features, he be gone, yo!! (Okay, not really, but he better not!!)
Posted by: Battie on May 1, 2003 11:25 AMOMG that is an amazing rant even for eBay. Would make me hit the "back" button no matter how badly I wanted the item He is not even a newby seller and should know better.
Posted by: Pat on May 1, 2003 01:00 PMThis was the stupidest thing I have ever read.
Posted by: Jason on May 5, 2003 09:46 PMScott, you just made my day!!! Very nice!
Posted by: Sheldon on May 5, 2003 10:34 PMPriceless. Though I very muchly agree with the seller. I'd almost buy the speakers, even though I don't need them, just because of the description of those little punks. Beautiful.
Posted by: NightShade on May 6, 2003 01:25 AMdennis miller had a child
Posted by: scott on May 6, 2003 04:02 PMSomeone buy this man an apostrophe! Or several. Otherwise, it's nice to know stream-of-consciousness ranting is still taught at the Citadel.
Posted by: orthoepy on May 6, 2003 04:11 PMhahaha, all of the comments made by people that said "that's the stupidest ever" are the pasty white guys with their one hand on their steering wheel with the civic rollin up with the backwards visor... rock on! go sexy ebay auctions!!
Posted by: Ray on May 7, 2003 09:20 AMMay Day! May Day!
Aviator overboard!
Repeat: Over Bored.
and productively So
Posted by: bambam on May 9, 2003 12:16 AMthat is so gay i dont no what to say...
one thing at least he descripes a riceboy, not a honda enthusiast like me who likes civics that run 10s and smackdown detroit shit
Posted by: andrevas on May 10, 2003 08:54 PMI hate disrespectful people. I wish I had the power to smite them all. It is a good thing the United States has gun control laws, or I'd kill a lot of riceboys. I really would like to kill them when they wake me up at 8am, coming home from their raves.
Posted by: Steve on May 13, 2003 09:54 AMHonda's are like tampons, every pussy's got one.
Posted by: Chucker on May 13, 2003 03:37 PMhaha we have a couple of these where i live we make fun of them :)
Posted by: andrew on May 14, 2003 06:49 AMhahahaha! Those lil punks are all over Western Michigan University :( ... First off... if you have time and money to put into a car like that... why dont you get a job w/your free time and save your money so you can actually buy a car thats worth driving! :)
Posted by: Sarah Carson on May 15, 2003 10:57 AMsounds like someone has a little bit of a mark morford fetish.
Posted by: gg on June 6, 2003 12:07 PMhey gg, mark didn't invent stream of consciousness ranting. he's brought it to a fantastically high level, but let's be clear that he in no way was the first, second or even the 100th.
Posted by: stephen on June 6, 2003 12:50 PMLOL, a bit of Mark Morford and a bit of Chris Pirillo. What breed of whiny, liberal crankiness is the web producing anyway. Once upon a time we envied men who could say the most with the fewest words, now it's an AOL nation, make it as lengthy and descriptive as humanly possible. Argggh ,kill the mutants!!
Posted by: HideehideeO on June 6, 2003 12:54 PMBeautiful
Posted by: Tomb on June 6, 2003 12:58 PMI'm feelin it. I cried laughing dog. That's everywhere now! Speed racer meets Fast N Furious what tha fukkk? And Morford's a genious so don't go there either. America NEEDS more stream of consciousness for the simple fact to counterbalance the "Nukuler" Right wing hijacking of the English language in all areas of media. Starting with "Collateral Damage, Non-Starter, Weapons of Mass Destruction, Reverse Racism, Pre-emptive Policy, etc...bless those Eric Rudolph sympathisers. They can't distort reality by twisting the English language, but hey, they're going to try anyway. So I encourage all "Cranky Liberals" to tell it like it is wherever and whenever you can!! Get this nation's soul back!
Posted by: BenOne on June 6, 2003 01:58 PMThat's my town in all it's Glory. Just five seconds ago said guy and his car came ripping down my street with his fucked up muffler making it sound like he is revin it up just to go 2 miles an hour. You can't even BEGIN to get anywhere here on a Friday or Saturday.
Posted by: George on June 6, 2003 03:32 PMomigod. whod've thunk the citadel and naval aviation could have produced such ludid, scathing rants. LOVE IT! No frat boy here! Wanna write copy for my webpage? We'll barter. Need anything or anyone cleaned/sewn/audited/cavity searched? I can make that happen.
Have I mentioned I have power gel, a black and decker multitool and a soundproof loft? We'll own the planet, baby.
Testify!
Janet Cassiday
PS Mark Morford rules the universe-dont you forget it. :D
Posted by: scathingharpy on June 6, 2003 08:51 PMGet a life
Posted by: yeah on June 9, 2003 01:36 AMwow. this appears to be written by an angry wee man that got accepted to an age old and reputable military school. this is frightening because in mere months, this individual will be armed, and armed heavily by the same stuff that laid waste to an almost forgotten regime a few months ago. the above sales rant gives one a glimpse of a mindset (not an understanding) of the hate groups found in northern michagan and idaho.
now granted, i too loath the little weasels, vin diesel wanna-bes playing make believe men in cars that sound like mosquitos on steroids as much as the next guy. and yes, i too love a fab stream of conciousness meandering rage too (after all, dennis miller has to be smarter than he looks, right?) however, one should never reveal too much of his inner frailties while lashing out at others. you'll lose the reader and that'll never work, will it? i can just see the spittle and froth forming in the corners of his mouth as he went on, and on, and on...
Posted by: "el Boompah" on June 9, 2003 01:16 PMhttp://maddox.xmission.com/civic.html
I'm also willing to bet that the 'anti-haters' who have already posted are quite similar to the person(s) the cadet was describing. We call them "townies". They are called townies because they will never be able to escape whatever town they live in. If you examine a townie closely, you'll see the "townie swagger". They usually drive an afore mentioned automobile. They are sad individuals. These people are usually high school dropouts.
Posted by: Awakening on June 10, 2003 01:42 PMSomeone unfamiliar with basic spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and grammar wants to be a ... screenwriter? And people say irony is dead.
Posted by: jackal on June 10, 2003 11:22 PMThat was brilliant!
Posted by: inkgrrl on June 11, 2003 10:41 AMEvery screen writer has to start somewhere.
I have no car for speakers to go in, but this person, I'd buy from regardless.
Of course, I'd also track down where he lived, give him a hug and possibly marry him.
But I'm just crazy.
Posted by: The Coyote on June 11, 2003 01:51 PMYou dont need punctuation and so on to be a screenwriter, just good ideas...
Posted by: Paul on June 12, 2003 05:12 AMYou dont need punctuation and so on to be a screenwriter, just good ideas...
Posted by: Paul on June 12, 2003 05:13 AMThat person you are describing has to be from San Leandro, CA... Or maybe Fremont. Word to your motherboard.
Posted by: jt on June 13, 2003 12:11 PMBravo, what an incredible command of the English language. Archival in nature, rivaled only by the responses. ( oops ). Jolly good, Thank you.
Posted by: Joseph on June 14, 2003 02:44 AMOK, just found this from a friend and laughed at the images which formed in my mind's eye. I love this guy's imagination, and as a result, I suppose I can forgive the punctuation, grammar and spelling somewhat, but I don't think Hollywood will be as forgiving as I am. Sorry, but spelling DOES count in the writing game, as well as grammar and punctuation. It shows attention to detail, which in my humble opinion, is an important trait for a screenwriter. By the way, as I've driven down the road, I swear I've seen (and heard) that Civic...
Posted by: Ralph on June 14, 2003 07:25 PMDear. Sweet. Lord.
How did someone who can write like this wind up at such a fake wanna be military academy knockoff for spoiled rich kids whose Daddies want them to be in uniform?
And can I have his babies?
SWS
lmfao. amazing.
Posted by: Samkit on June 19, 2003 04:48 AMcheck out the last screenplay scene of "Butch Casidy and the Sundance kid" Whoever said "good ideas" got it right .A senior in high school can correct stuff.But it better be great "stuff".And this guy has got it.
Posted by: tannintom on June 25, 2003 08:49 PMThis post was funny, despite being mean-spirited. Loud people of all sorts bother me. I wish him luck with writing. He's still in High School, so he still has plenty of time to learn. Get off his back. Remember how tough it is to learn something new?
Were he a professional writer, I would feel justified saying the following: The sequence he described is not imaginitive; it happens every night on the television. I refuse to admire a writer for something cobbled together out of music video clips and cop dramas. A scene is one thing; a movie is several hundred scenes. If he's interested in making art, he has a long way to go, but if he's interested in making schlock that draws the same audiences he ridicules, he's nearly there. A man becomes his intentions.
Posted by: Rosencarl on June 26, 2003 03:29 AMthis is all so incredibly unimportant,
Posted by: James on June 26, 2003 01:01 PMahahhaha that just made my day! ahahahah i'm serious i'm laughing my ass off right now!
Posted by: Amber on July 1, 2003 10:57 AMNobility probably hated the way Shakespeare bastardized the english language when he was writing. Fuck punctuation to the extent that you can understand what the hell he's trying to say and you don't have to suck up to some sexless, lardassed middle-school teacher like the one who gave my 13 year old son a ZERO on his assignment to describe his goal in life when he answered that he sought to become enlightened to the point of becoming noncorporeal and all I could say to him was wow, what a bitch son - I thought it was funny. Unfortunately there are these people all over who either were never graced with a sense of humor or perhaps in some sweltering dark hole in idaho they were secretly operated on, without anesthetic, to amputate their sensitivity to youthful mischief, or that part of them escaped out of their ear when some guy brought them to the local parking spot and they asked "why are we here? like they don't know or most sad and likely, they just got it burned out the coals of resentment that grow in teachers who don't understand what a wonderful gift they've been given in our trusting them with our most precious resource - the future.
Posted by: Kravjar on July 1, 2003 08:04 PMhaha
Posted by: car cat on September 11, 2003 02:00 PM