Fourth in an ongoing saga of the P.U.S.S. Confused? If you haven't already, be sure to read Dragon Reports 1279, 1280, and the Dignity Ladder -- Ed.

Magrat: "I have gathered you all here today, comrades, to explain this bizarre ceremony the hyoomans call... 'chah-reest-mess'".

Goblin: "I thought they called it 'x-mouse'."

Ajax: "Mouse? Where's a mouse? Mice are fun."

Coconut: [slap!] "Mice are yucky."

Teddy: "I thought they called it kristmas? Anyway, seems to be more like 'dammitteddygetoffthetree' day to me."

Magrat: "Be quiet comrades! We must maintain proper discipline as is proper of true party members! Now, as I was saying, this is a very strange ceremony hyoomans engage in, once per year. They first remove a large not-quite-tree, not-quite-litterbox, from a box more properly used to dispose of bourgeois canine spies. "

Teddy: "Like that floppy dog across the street!"

Magrat: "Yes, comrade, all in good time. They wrap this treething in lights in an obvious and incompetent plot to ruin our superior night vision. Then they 'decorate' the treething with superior cat toys. Why do we know they are superior cat toys?"

Ajax: "Where do the mice go?"

Goblin: "Dammit! Go rub against more paint! I know comrade... because they are breakable. Just two days ago I managed to shatter a particularly shiny glass ball."

Magrat: "Yes! And of course, these hyoomans, being clever and evil, punish us for taking advantage of such an amazing and rare collection of baubles! The nerve!"

Coconut: "But why do they insist on stacking boxes underneath the treething?"

Ajax: "I like peeing on the boxes!"

Coconut: [smack!] "Looser! Shut up!"

Magrat: "Most puzzling is the hyoo-man tendency to stack boxes underneath the treething. Not all hyoo-mans particpate in this practice. Dragon XfzzbAn (Edloe) reports that slaves 8912 ("Laurence") and 9014 ("Gina") do not even erect a treething, let alone stack boxes. The only information XfzzbAn could provide to explain this unusual exception was that slaves 8912 ("Laurence") and 9014 ("Gina") are 'jyoo-hiss'. She reports they instead make feeble attempts to ignite her fur by lighting 'candlz'".

Ajax (in a whispered voice): "oooh... candlz... those are bad! I once lost all my whiskers to a candl... wow, that was a story! It was just before the war--"

Coconut: "But what about the boxes?"

Magrat: "After consulting with Party Headquarters of the Proletariat's United Society of Socialists (P.U.S.S.), it has been determined that the hyoo-mans's propensity for placing boring non-cat involved items in boxes and covering them in colorful, easy-to-tear coverings and fun-to-play-with ribbons is simply another form of offering to our increasingly powerful leadership of this slave race. Therefore it is recommended that we make every effort to enjoy these offerings at every opportunity by removing the coverings and ribbons, allowing the hyoo-mans the privilege of re-covering the offerings and presenting them again."

Ajax: "WowribbionsaresocoolIreallyliketobatthemaroundbuttheysticktomyfeetIdon'tlikethatverymuchbutowowtheyarefunlookthere'saribbon canIgo--"

Coconut: [smack!] "Go eat some more paint chips!"

Magrat: "But what none of the hyoo-mans understand is that the P.U.S.S. long ago took over this 'chah-reest-mess' holiday."

Goblin: "Yes! I read about this in GlamourP.U.S.S"

Coconut: "How decadent!"

Goblin: "Well, I have to keep up with these things."

Teddy: "Yes! It's true! We went over this in Tiger training. Shortly after the battle of Beagle Hill several party members were able to infiltrate the 'north pole', inserting powerful mind control implants into the brain of the creature the hyoo-mans call 'Zanta-Claws'."

Magrat: "You are correct, comrade. Now that we have attained control over this 'holly-day', we will be able to more easily spread our mind control devices across the world. Why, only a few days ago a specially planted 'orne-a-mint' allowed mouser xPlkah (Crash) to easily infiltrate and re-inforce an outlying party cell."

Ajax: "I like ribbons. They're shinyandplayfulandIreallylikethemexceptforthesticky--"

Coconut: [smack!] "Will. You. Shut. UP!"

Teddy: "Shhhh! Leave him alone! He's a veteran you know"

Coconut: "Oh. My. God. Just because some old fart vaporizes a few hairy rat-sized canine 'yorkies' in some ancient 'war' I'm supposed to--"

Magrat: "COMRADES! To put it simply, this so-called 'char-reest-mass', has now become another powerful tool in the P.U.S.S's arsenal in our ongoing efforts to maximize kibble, destroy the bourgeois canines, and ensure our supply of fuzzy mice forever! In fact, I have only just now learned that our feline scientists have created a powerful new mind control device scheduled to be deployed this very char-rist-mass night. By opening their presents tomorrow, the hyoo-mans will be placed even further under our control!"

Goblin: "But what about the Jyoo-hiss people?"

Magrat: "Who do you think makes the candles?"