Self-Proclaimed Pundits Consumed in Sudden Conflagrations
Spontaneous combustion implicated in fiery deaths of blogging elite, entire communities feared incinerated

Washington D.C. (XNN) - The blogging world today mourned the deaths of at least seven of its best-known personalities: Wil Wheaton, Glen Reynolds, Rob "Taco" Malda, Jeff "Hemos" Bates, Jonathan Katz, Dawn Olson, and "N. Z. Bear". All appear to have fallen victim to the as yet unexplained phenomena of spontaneous human combustion. Other blog authors, such as Scott Johnson, Aaron Hawk, and Meryl Yourish, were reportedly only rescued by the quick thinking of spouses, friends, and, in one case, the strategic urination of a family cat.

"Classic cases of a terminal buildup of hot air", said medical examiner Ima Quack. "It's only unusual in that they all went at once. But really, did you read any of these sites? I mean, all Wheaton seemed to do lately was write about his dog. Sure, Dawn was cute, but shaking your fanny on your website will only take you so far. And those slashdot guys? Oh please! It's a wonder Katz didn't take out the whole building. They had it coming."

"I haven't seen anything like this since the great Congressional fire of 1973", said fire marshal Bob Smokesalot. "But we managed to install personal sprinkler systems in the capitol to avoid that happening again. These guys didn't have a chance. Glen Reynolds' head got so big just before he went we'll probably be picking skull fragments out of buildings in the next county." He then added, "all we could find of (N.Z. Bear) [real name withheld pending notification of family -- ed.] was a sad mug fragment bearing his logo."

In what appears to be a related phenomena, thousands of readers of the web sites "slashdot" and "fark" also burst into flames and were quickly reduced to ash. "Elitist hacker wannabes and a demented rabble of photoshop asshats", said a source close to the administrators of both sites, only wishing to be identified as "D.C. Squirrelnuts". "I remember this one time when I... uh... when someone farked up the user database and nobody could comment on FARK, it was like they had no air supply. It was a mercy, really, considering the dark and sad lives they were leading."

"It really is a terrible, terrible tragedy", said Lawrence Simon, webmaster of Amish Tech Support, from his hospital bed in Houston Texas, where he was being treated for an accidental gunshot wound. Mr. Simon refused to comment on the strong smell of kerosene and large numbers of burned matches found in and around his vehicle.

In other news, Rachel Lucas filed a police report on an attempted arson, which she foiled by shooting at an unidentified man with her gun...

Don't blame me, blame Simon, he started it!