There are lots of you out there who think you're bad with computers. I know several of you personally. I am here to tell you that compared to my regular users every single one of you looks like Bill Gates and/or Steve Jobs and/or Linus Torvalds. Here's an actual conversation I had today with one of my users:

The Setup: A user, let's call her Z, is having trouble with her e-mail. She walks by and stands in my doorway:

Z: "Hello, Scott dear", she always calls me dear. She calls everyone dear. Makes us all want to strangle her slowly with several small rubber bands, "I'm having tremendous trouble today"

Me: "Really? You are having trouble with...?" (The time of day? Remembering where you work? How to breathe?)

Z: "Umm..." (c'mon... c'mon... forget what you came by here for... *THIS IS NOT THE TECH YOU'RE LOOKING FOR... I CAN GO ABOUT MY BUSINESS... MOVE ALONG... MOVE ALONG*) "My e-mail you see dear, it's just not working."

Me: "Really? Not working at all?"

Z: "Well...", BIG, theatrical sigh, "Not exactly not working. You see it's..." (cogs... slipping... Must. Get. Traction...) "well, I'm trying to open an attachment and when I do I get all this squiggly stuff."

Me: "All of your attachments?"

Z: "Yes, dear, every single one, for quite some time."

Me: "Every single one?"

Z: "Well"

Move eyebrows all Spock like, Me: "yes?"

Z: "No, not every single one."

Long, drawn out pause, me staring at Z while I watch the hamsters spool up...

Ok, time to throw darts... maybe I'll get lucky this time... Me: "Well... are they... um... from a certain person?"

Z: "Oh yes," Huzzah! Bullseye on the first toss, "they're from Y. They're very important. You see I can't do my job at all if I..."

Ah, I say to myself as the buzzing continues, excuse #71... If I Don't Get This Useless and Trivial Thing on My Desk Yesterday We Might as Well Lock the Doors and All Go Home Me: "Yes, yes, ok, do you have this e-mail thing up on your screen right now?"

Z: "Well, yes, actually I--"

Me: "Ok then, let's see" industrious tapping while I call up my remote control widget, allowing me to see what is exactly on her screen "come over here for a minute"

I watch Z walk over, wishing I had one of those "trap door" things like on MAD TV. Oh, to press a button...

Making sure Z can see my screen Me: "So it'll be a recent one, yes?"

Long pause... her mind must be six steps behind her head... Z: "Well, yes, I do believe so... there's one right there!"

So I look at it. Netscape mailers have a funny thing sometimes when they "attach" a message someone is forwarding. The user will see an attachment, but the contents of that attachment also show up on the bottom of the "regular" message.

Me: "Ah. I see your problem. The attachment is the same thing as the message. There's no need to look at it."

Z: "Yes, but I really need to see what's in the attachment."

Me: "Well, yes, but you see, the thing at the bottom of the message is what is in the attachment... you don't need to ope--"

Z: "That's all well and good dear, but I'm going to need to see what's in that attachment and if I open it in Word it'll all be squiggly."

Me: "That's true, yes, but you see this message here?' Motioning mouse to bottom area of message, which contains the forwarded message, which is what is in the attachment

Z: "Yes"

Me: "That's what's inside the attachment. They're the same thing."

Z: "Oh that's very helpful. But I'm still wondering what's in that attachment."

Must... Control... Claw... of... Death... Me: "There's no need to open the attachment Z. This stuff at the bottom of your message is what's in the attachment. They're the same thing."

Z: "Well, yes dear, I know," dramatic sniff... I am a PhD. "that's what you just said, but if I go back to my desk and try to open that attachment--"

Me: "Z... This", circling the attachment, "is the same as this", circling the bottom of the message. "You don't need to open the attachment. They're. The. Same. Thing."

Z: Very doubtful "Well... Ok... But how do I see these 'forwarded messages'?"

Me: "You scroll down. They'll be at the bottom of the message"

Z: "But how do I scroll down?"

Fondly remembering how Darth Vader simply pinched his fingers together, and realizing why the dark side really is seductive, Me: "Well, you can use the wheel on your mouse, or you can just click the scr--" yeah right, speak more Greek to her "just use the scroll wheel."

Z: Extremely doubtful "Well, OK, but if there's anything wrong can I call you?"

Me: Lady, all I'm doing is buying myself the five minutes of peace it'll take you to get back to your desk "Of course! I'm here to help!"

Z walks out my door. Opposite direction of her office. Good, she's going to torture someone else! 15 minutes pass.

RING! RING!

Me: "Hi Z!"

Z: "Scott dear, I know you told me what to do, but you see I'm still getting these squiggles when I try to open the attachment in word..."