What I Learned When Using a Pressure Cooker:

• Ames was going out of business for a reason, and not just because nobody was shopping there.
• Sometimes mom is right (wear clean underwear, don't play with your food, eat your vegetables), sometimes she's wrong (you're just paying for a name when you buy expensive pots).
• It's never a good sign when the instructions that came with the cooker don't describe the one you're holding in your hands.
• Never deglaze a cast-iron pan when it's still on the burner.
• Beer steam still smells like beer.
• Beer steam still burns like steam.
• Canned chipotle peppers look like dried mice dipped in axle grease.
• It is unwise to lick the sauce chipotle peppers are packed in off your fingers.
• It's a bad sign when steam escapes from around the relief valve as well as through it.
• It's a bad sign when the steam release valve simply pops the lid off the cooker. Eventually
• When the instructions say "bring to boil, reduce heat, simmer, open, spice, close, cook for additional 15 minutes" they actually mean "cook for an additional 15 minutes by bringing to a boil and then reducing heat."
• When the instructions are vague on heat level and you can't see the food, it's always better to go with lower heat and wait a little longer.
• Even wet steam can carry smoke
• A pressure relief valve looks just like the tailpipe of an '83 Chevette with 220,000 miles on it when the stuff inside starts to burn.
• It's not a good sign when the pressure cooker makes you think of "I Dream Of Genie, the Robot Experience."
• It takes about 17 minutes to completely carbonize one pound of stew meat in a pressure cooker.
• It only takes 15 minutes to carbonize most of it.
• If you try hard enough, things will stick to stainless steel.
• The meat in chili doesn't have to be ground beef for it to taste good
• The meat in chili has to be ground beef for Ellen to think it tastes good
• The meat in chili should not resemble the bottom of an Apollo space capsule after re-entry, because it won't taste good.
• I don't mind my own cooking, even when it goes horribly, horribly wrong.
• Ellen pretends not to mind my cooking even when it goes horribly, horribly wrong because sometimes it goes really, really right.
• If at first you don't succeed pressure cooking chili, make sure to leave the pot soaking two nights straight before trying to clean it.

Ah well, maybe I'll try stew next...